Thursday, August 2, 2018

Let's blog about sports in 2018 at least once

Sports are dumb.  They're the opiate of the opioid crisis. Prove me wrong.

But here we are, on the internet. So let's do this.


1) Urban Meyer is filth. He's always been filth because you don't get to become the grand poobah of college filthball without filthing it up. For those who don't know, he employed an assistant coach who beat a woman regularly. The victim of the abuse is good friends with Urban Meyer's wife, and there are documented texts showing that everyone knew what was going on. Now Urban Meyer says he never heard of this. Here's what needs to happen, in roughly this order:

-Fuck that guy.
-Fuck that other guy.
-Send at least one of them to prison.
-Make sure both of them never end up on TV or coaching again.

In the coming days there'll be headlines like "will Urban coach again?" or "what will the Buckeyes season look like without Meyer?" Those are the questions that get children and women hurt. The correct alternative to asking or answering those questions is to stop giving such a shit about 19 year olds playing football.


2) While we're on the subject of deposed The Ohio State University football coaches, I'm nominating Tristan Thompson for The Woody Hayes Punch of the Year award. Apparently Thompson suckershoved Draymond Green at LeBron's ESPy afterparty because ... he's a dip shit? Let's be clear about something, I really like Draymond Green. I don't know if he's as raw skills good as KD or Steph, but he somehow brings as much value to the floor because of all the things he can do. Whether it's valuable or not, one of the things he can do is get under the skin of dummies like Tristan Thompson, a guy who I don't really care for because when he's not rebounding in space he's pretty much a dog at basketball.  Anyway, The WHP of the Year award isn't about who we like or who we don't like; it's about one roided up monster going after another because of sports.


3) While we're on the subject of Cleveland: ha!  

Kevin Love is going to get paid over $1 million per Cavs' win next year.  o/u says he plays in 12.5 of them.


4) While we're on the subject of white people in sports: oh shit, guys.

Let's start with Josh Hader, the Brewers' second-year all star closer. Someone used the internet to find out that this guy tweeted a bunch of bigoted stuff when he was 17 years old. Then all his teammates stood around in support of him while he man-cried in front of reporters while mumbling incoherently. THEN, the Brewers' fans gave him a standing ovation for, like, showing up at the game after getting choked up about this one time when he was racist and homophobic on the internet.

A few super important things here:

-All of his teammates showed up in silent solidarity, but think about it from the perspective of a player of color. What choice is there? Go to a reporter and say "I'm uncomfortable playing with this asshole"?  No way. Then you're the malcontent.  Maybe on some level there's a meathead jock solidarity thing at work, but if that's the case, where were the 24 other guys standing behind Adam Jones last year when he said it stinks being racially taunted by fans (here's some Curt Schilling clickbait related to that)?

-There is nothing special about the Brewers' fanbase. This is just who comes to baseball games in every baseball city. White people from the suburbs who feel indebted to a young player who man-cried for them so that he and they can continue to not learn.

-This situation is complicated because it's allowed to be.  MLB and the Brewers could have cut him off at the knees for being shitty, but they felt no pressure to do so. This guy's lack of punishment was then misconstrued as redemption. It's sick and stupid and predictable. MLB probably also figured there'd be more of this coming down the pike and they didn't want to set too draconian a precedent, lest they suspend a third of the league.

Guess what!  More did come down the pike!  This past week the internet coughed up two more punks: Sean Newcomb and Trea Turner.  Are they the problem, though?

YES.

And so is the fact that there's a team named the Indians!  And one called the Braves!  And one called the Texas Rangers, which may actually be the most offensive name of all because the Texas Rangers were some ex-confederate soldiers who formed a paramilitary posse for hunting brown people. Now they're just a paramilitary posse that hunts brown people. NOT a thing we want in this world. NOT a thing we should name a baseball team after as if it's something we want in this world.

Look, MLB is a racist pile of garbage. But that's not going to stop me from talking about...


5) The Pirates trading for Chris Archer!???  

Holy shit.

That's not a terrible move, if only because it unloaded Tyler Glasnow and Austin Meadows when their stocks were at the absolute highest. It's not a great, great move because it doesn't give the Bucs the additional 10 wins they'll likely need to come close to competing for the division.

Chris Archer has been consistently excellent with K/BB and consistently crummy with keeping the ball in the park. Of K, BB, and HR/9, Uncle Ray can do something about the HR, or at least that's the thinking.

There's very, very little reason for the Pirates to be buyers at this point in the season. This is an 80ish win team with a lot of players coming up on their expiration dates. I would have blown the whole thing up for prospects if possible. But whatever. We went from two prodigiously overrated schmucks to one solid starting pitcher. All we have to do in the offseason is sign Bryce Harper, trade for Mike Trout, and hold Clayton Kershaw's loved ones hostage until he agrees to pitch for us.  It's been done before!

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