Wednesday, May 1, 2013

I wish the mayor left comments like this on our site.

In November of 2011, I wrote in this space that Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl oscillates between acting like a 20-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. I have to hand it to His Dudeliness — he’s done a lot of growing up since then.

Yesterday, for example, he showed the poise and maturity of a 15-year-old girl.

Yesterday, the PG’s Timothy McNulty posted a story to the paper’s website which directly linked Mayor Dudeface to a group called “Committee for a Better Pittsburgh,” which financed a citywide ad buy smearing District 8 City Councilman and mayoral candidate Bill Peduto.
Documents released Tuesday, just three weeks before the May 21 primary, show that Luke Ravenstahl is head of the secretive committee behind new TV attack ads taking on his longtime foe and Democratic mayoral candidate Bill Peduto.
Little was known about the group called "Committee for a Better Pittsburgh" financing the citywide, $53,000 ad buy that started Monday targeting the city councilman's mayoral bid. But paperwork KDKA-TV filed with the Federal Communications Commission lifted the veil: The committee chairman is the outgoing mayor.
Determined not to let this kind of unchecked aggression stand, man, Luke did what any wildly emotional teenager would do: he left a hastily written comment on the PG’s website displaying not only raging petulance, but a command of his native language that is, to be charitable, below grade-level. Then, undoubtedly proud of himself for having splattered his emotions onto a page like a his hero Emily Dickinson, but with the reckless panache of a modern-day Jackson Pollock, he cross-posted it to his own Facebook page.

They grow up so fast, don’t they?

There's just so much here, how can we not break it down?

Breaking news: One of America's (self-proclaimed) greatest newspapers actually takes the time to pull the records of an account that's been in existence for years!

Sure. That's what responsible newspaper journalists do when they have a reason to do it. They were curious as to who was behind the ad that smeared Peduto, stating that "Bill Peduto wants to be mayor of Pittsburgh, but he only seems to care about his own district."

Are you suggesting, Mayor Dudeface, that the press should have known about this account earlier, maybe because it's totally, definitely linked to other shady if not outright illegal activity? 

Congrats to Tim McNulty and the tremendous work of the entire team from David Shribman on down. You really blew the cover off of this one. Yawn…

This man is practically begging to be indicted.

Truth is no one is hiding anything, nor has attempted to. I have personally been the Chairman of this committee since its inception. In fact, its Chairman and intentions are much more transparent than your rag of a newspaper.

Man, he loves him some capitalization. Okay, Chairman Dudeface. You've personally been the head of the Committee to Have Bill Peduto Tarred, Feathered, Drawn & Quartered since its inception. That's what you're copping to here. 

At least I’m honest and truthful about my support and don’t attempt to hide behind the mantel of a “newspaper”.
You said at a press conference, like, 15 minutes ago that you weren't supporting anyone. Does this mean you're completely indifferent if it comes down to Jack Wagner and A.J. the drunken school bus monitor? Also, quote goes after the period, man.
It’s actually laughable to think that you print your newspaper everyday with a straight face.
Every day. Two words, unless in adjective form.
It doesn’t take much to see who the P-G supports and doesn’t support. -- Back to all of that in a minute… I was honored to received tremendous financial support from hundreds of donors who believe in all of the wonderful things happening in our city.
Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say it: period-two hyphens-sentence-ellipses is a combination I have never seen before. We're breaking new ground.
They (and I) want to see that continue.
Parentheses: why the fuck not?! If only there was some kind of pronoun that encompassed the sentiments felt by a group of people which included the first-person speaker! DAMN YOU, LATIN!
This effort is based on that -- and that alone. It’s 100% factual and begins to expose the real Bill Peduto. Future ads will do the same.
Again with the double hypen. Is he going for em dashes? 
Finally  – I love how the “haters” love to preach about the law and following it…..Except of course…. When it doesn’t benefit th!
Two spaces, a hyphen, one space, quotation marks around "haters," five periods, three words, four periods, a space and a dependent clause, the last word of which is missing at least two letters and at most five words. This is the man who has been running our city since 2006. And do we (THERE'S THAT PRONOUN!) even need to point out the irony of this man casting aspersions on the "haters" (i.e. no one in particular) who ignore the law when it's not to their benefit? You remember that you just had to fire your own police chief, right? You know that you're definitely going to be indicted for ignoring laws pertaining to the allocation and spending of police funds from secret accounts that your bodyguards accessed for personal use, yeah? You get the irony of your rant, right? You know what the word "irony" means? 
Let me explain, using an example you might be familiar with . It's the next fucking sentence in your little tantrum.
The facts are that this is legal in every sense of the law an nothing more than a committee expressing it’s first amendment rights. You 14th warders should love that right? 
Irony is you paying for and running an ad that slams Bill Peduto for supposedly not caring about parts of the city of which he wants to be mayor, then, with the same breath, dealing a full-strength, open-handed slap in the face to the entire East End of the city of which you are mayor. 
I don't ever recall seeing anyone say that this particular thing is illegal. Nobody is accusing you of doing anything illegal in this particular instance. They are, however, making light of something you're doing that happens to be in incredibly poor taste.  
Anyway – back to the P-G bias… The only question that remains is whether the P-G will endorse Peduto this Sunday or next. Curious about your thoughts… My guess is this Sunday -- gives their man two whole weeks to talk about it!
First of all, I'm glad we're down to standard ellipses, even if he's not using them properly. It's a pain in the ass trying to count full stops after three. 
Are you bitter that the PG never endorsed you? Does that bug you? It sounds like it does, and it sounds like you take it rather personally. But just for a second, do yourself and everyone else a favor and pretend it's not about you. Pretend that there are people who care about the city as much as you say you do, and that they're concerned about its well-being, functionality and future. Is it possible the PG never endorsed you not because of a bias, because they simply never believed you were the right guy for the job? 
I'm going to go with yes. And they're not alone in that belief. 
And while I don't really understand your criticism of 14th ward residents with regard to their great love of free speech, I can say with absolute certainty that we 14th warders love it when you exercise your right to free speech because it creates a permanent public record of what a feckless, petulant, ignorant dickhead you are. 
Keep talking, Chairman Dudeface. Never shut up.


Cnwein said...

Gurl idk what you talkin bout?!!??!!!!!???? I like ravenstall,hes a mayor who totally gets me yknow. and he was in The Dark Night Rises...

J-Mac said...