Wednesday, August 8, 2012

FRANCO's movie review of the year

We have a lot of business to discuss on ol' Free Tank Carter. This Pirates Fan Advisor Network is the best fan-on-fan scam we've ever seen. The dude is just Nutting all over people's faces, and even the franchise thinks it's getting shameful. Don't worry. We'll get to it.

Tonight we have something far more important to discuss.
Have you ever had that experience where you discover a totally noteworthy movie you never knew existed? Tonight I discovered a totally noteworthy channel I never knew existed, something called "ion," and on it was something called The Fan.
What caught my attention was a black guy in a Giants uniform with an ear piercing, looking a lot like skinny Barry Bonds. "Are we really making movies about that guy already?" I thought. So I watched for another minute. And then out of nowhere came Robert De Niro!
Instantly, I'm transported from made-for-television roid-pic to a legitimate, feature length film about baseball. And I thought I knew all the feature length films about baseball!!!*
So I look this up on my computing machine (no longer just for stats!), and get the low-down from wikipedia.

LOOK AT THAT POSTER!

There's no room for baseball on it because fear is about to strike!! Then read the first few lines of the synopsis!

Gil Renard,
Great name!
a struggling knife salesman,
Great occupation!
is a temperamental divorcé who has been neglecting his responsibilities, namely his young son and his job which he is on the verge of losing due to poor sales.
Shit's about to get real.
Gil has a fervent loyalty to his favorite sport, baseball, and his favorite team, the San Francisco Giants.
Change a couple words around, switch out one professional sports team for another, replace the "young son" with "a couple of hanging house plants," and this is a story about FTC's very own Matt.
I don't want to give away any mid-plot spoilers, so let's skip to the end...
Gil takes Rayburn's son to a baseball field and hides him there.
Maybe I have a weak imagination, but I'm not sure where you hide a person in a baseball field.
He contacts Rayburn to make one demand: hit a home run in the upcoming game, dedicating it to Gil, "a true fan", or he will kill Rayburn's son, after telling Rayburn that life can be unfair sometimes.
This is actually what happened with Jordy Mercer tonight. Bob De Niro abducted his kid, hid him in a baseball field, and then coaxed Jordy into going yard with a death threat. No other explanation.
With the Police on high alert, Gil enters the Giants' stadium in the midst of an on-and-off thunderstorm.
Also like tonight!
Rayburn struggles with his emotions while at bat.
He has a .222/.304/.371 slash line when his son is being held at gun point.
After several pitches, he finally hits the ball deep into the outfield but not over the fence.
HR/FB rate of 0%.
Rayburn attempts to score an inside-the-park home run.
Do not show this movie to Starling Marte.
He is called out, even though he is obviously safe.
When I take a player's son hostage, all I'm going to demand is that the guy not make outs on the bases.
Rayburn begins to argue with the umpire, who turns out to be Gil in disguise.
WHAT???
Rayburn knocks Gil to the ground.
Risking ejection and likely a suspension by the league.
Dozens of Police Officers swarm onto the field, pointing their firearms at the maniacal Gil Renard.
It was all a sting.
Before they arrive, Gil stabs another baseball player, Lanz (John Kruk), who tries to tackle him.
And that right there is the FTC sentence of the year!
I would recommend this movie to all of you, but seeing what that last sentence described couldn't possibly live up to what you imagined it looked like.
Go see it anyway. It's for people who didn't think Mr. 3000 was Taxi Driver enough. In other words: all of us.






* I'm willing to bet I could make a lineup card out of feature length films about baseball. Chew on this, fatties...

LF- The Sandlot
3B- Major League
SS- Bull Durham
RF- The Natural
1B- Pride of the Yankees
CF- Field of Dreams
C- Brewster's Millions
P- Rookie of the Year
2B- Little Big League

Angels In The Outfield is my fourth outfielder. And yes; I bat my pitcher 8th, because it IS more efficient.

1 comment:

Matt said...

I can't believe you have Brewster's Millions at catcher and completely neglected A League of Their Own. RIP Geena Davis.

Also, I am now a Silver-level subscriber.