1. Indianapolis Colts - Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Look, I fucking hate college football. I follow my alma mater, and sometimes I'll watch bits and pieces of games which feature players I'm curious about for draft-only purposes. That said, I made a point of watching Stanford whenever possible last year just to see this kid play, and he never failed to entertain me. He's really fun to watch, and everything about his game reminds me of Aaron Rodgers. I'm as sure he's going to be great as I was last year that Cam Newton would be a total disaster.
2. Washington Redskins - Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
I really like RGIII. He's a big, strong, fast guy with an awesome arm, good accuracy and stupidly great athleticism. He's also mature, intelligent, driven and personable. He's kind of like Evil Vince Young. For all the years where QBs high in the first round, seldom do we see two prospects of this quality. The last great QB-heavy draft was 2004 (Eli, Rivers, The Ben). Before that, you've got to go back a ways. But teams take QBs at the top every year, and many of them are garbage. History suggests that one of these two will not pan out. I'd bet on it being Griffin III for health reasons, but if either of these guys turns into Ryan Leaf, I'll be shocked.
Okay, well I guess that about sums it up! Thanks for joining us here as we previewed the...
How many more picks are there?
Oh, for fuck's sake.
But nobody knows or cares about anyone but these two guys!
3. Minnesota Vikings - Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Claiborne has good straight-line speed, excellent ball skills, and despite scoring a 4 out of 50 on the Wonderlic, has a good head for the game. Weak side: dumber than a tupperware container filled with pickled tomatoes. Strong side: Unfazed by traumatic brain injuries that would end most careers. Side note, I think Christian Ponder is awesome.
4. Cleveland Browns - Matt Kalil, OT, USC
The current game plan in Cleveland is to keep Colt McCoy as upright as possible until reinforcements arrive.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
Richardson is fast and powerful with good hands and the ability to catch the ball out of the backfield. LeGarrette Blount can't carry the load himself, and Earnest Graham is shocked that he ultimately winds up on your fantasy team at some point every year.
6. St. Louis Rams - Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
Blackmon is a big, physical guy who runs all over the goddamn place and draws favorable but outlandish comparisons to Dez Bryant because they're both black attended the same school. He'll try very hard not to get frustrated when both Steven Jackson and Sam Bradford get hurt in Week 2, allowing teams to double-team him and forcing whomever's left playing QB for the Rams -- maybe Todd Bouman -- to throw to Danny Amendola 38 times a game.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars - Luke Kuechly, ILB, Boston College
This franchise sucks. They should really just blow up this team and just start over. Blaine Gabbert? I mean, really? Anyway, I'm excited for this pick because it will help me finally learn to pronounce this fucking guy's name.
8. Miami Dolphins - Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Holy shit, this team is bad. So they lost out on Matt Flynn, then they couldn't trade into the two-spot for the chance at RGIII. That makes them the winners of the Ryan Tannehill sweepstakes (third prize is you're fired). This is a much-needed fresh start for everyone involved. Joe Philbin gets his first shot at being an NFL head coach after a disappointing season in Green Bay, during which his offense fizzled down the stretch and his son committed suicide. I hope this works out for everyone involved, because if it goes badly, it's going to go very, very badly.
9. Carolina Panthers - Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
The Panthers' defense sucks.
10. Buffalo Bills - Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
I really want the Bills to do well. They're still piecing together teams from bunches of spare parts, they're perpetually facing forced relocation to Toronto or London or Tokyo, and they're still passably good. But they need so much help. I don't have a clue who they'll take, but there seems to be a consensus they'll take this guy, so that's fine.
11. Kansas City Chiefs - Mark Barron, S, Alabama
Romeo Crennel is a defensive guy who likes defensive players, and safeties are big-time defensive players in the National Football League.
12. Seattle Seahawks - Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
Now that they've locked up the Kevin Kolb of the future, the Seahawks can work on defense. This should go swimmingly. I'm sure he's good. He got excellent marks in the National Football Post.
13. Arizona Cardinals - Lamar Odom, F, Dallas Mavericks
The Cardinals are in the same place this year that the Seahawks were in last year. They just need a football player. Any football player will do, so long as he is capable of playing football. Since picking virtually any eligible football player here is the correct move for the Cards, I'm almost certain they'll find a way to fuck it up. Being a 32-year-old small forward whose team sent him home for the balance of the season in April, and who is married to a Kardashian and joined at the hip with her reality TV camera crew brings to the table the exact opposite of what the Cards need right now. OdLook for Ken Whisenhunt to get fired before the end of the fourth round.
14. Dallas Cowboys - Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
The Cowboys took a tackle last year, and that, while needed, just wasn't sexy. They have to start drafting skill players again before Jerry Jones fires everyone.
15. Philadelphia Eagles - Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
The Eagles had a little trouble stopping the run last year. And by that, I mean the Eagles were downright shitty against the run last year.
16. New York Jets - Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
This poor schmuck has no idea how titanic a mess he's being dropped into.
This draft pick analysis brought to you by Titanic in 3D! Get ready to set sail with Titanic in 3D, in theaters everywhere April 4th, 2012!
17. Cincinnati Bengals - Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
Another draft-day hidden gem, according to the National Football Post.
18. San Diego Chargers - David DeCastro, G, Stanford
After choking late in the season year after year after year, the Chargers will fire Norv Turner when he declares he "has a lot of respect for that Castro fella."
19. Chicago Bears - Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
Whenever the Bears or Steelers have a down defensive year, I feel like it takes a while for the rest of the world to fully comprehend it, if they do at all. To the casual football-watching public, the Bears and Steelers both always field great defenses. So when one of these teams fields a soft defense, the uniform helps cover that up. That's not really how defense works, though. The uniform can not play defense for you. Ask Dewayne Washington.
20. Tennessee Titans - Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
Nate Washington sucks.
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Tank Carder, LB, TCU
Wait a minute! WAIT JUST A GODDAMN MINUTE!
Well, I hope he gets arrested.
22. Cleveland Browns - Quit pretending you give a fuck
You know it doesn't matter.
23. Detroit Lions - Jonathan Martin, T, Stanford
You know what the Lions would love? For Matthew Stafford not to get killed by stampeding wildebeests.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers - Dont'a Hightower, ILB, Alabama
Larry Foote can not play forever.
25. Denver Broncos - Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
The Broncos drafting anything other than a receiver or offensive lineman here causes Peyton Manning to suffer from a debilitating panic attack. He locks himself in a film room at their team complex, curls up into the fetal position, rocks back and forth, weeping and sucking his thumb until he falls asleep.
26. Houston Texans - Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
Mario Williams left. Other positions of need include QB of the future, cover corner, shutdown corner, run-stopping DT, hole-plugging DT, road-grading OT, blue-collar FB, field-stretching WR, ballhawk safety, big red zone target TE/WR, power down-hill RB who runs north/south, elusively speedy RB who runs east/west, lights-out kick returner, observant Jewish OG, anyone at any position who gets off the line quickly or has a quick first step, a world-beating punter, a guy who has the leg to make all the kicks, and anyone who just plays the game either the right way or the way it's supposed to be played.
27. New England Patriots - Someone nobody has ever heard of because Bill Belichick grew him from stem cells in his football lab last week and everyone will be too scared to question it, LB, Fresno State
28. Green Bay Packers - Shea McClellin, DE, Boise State
The project to build an Aryan front seven continues. Clay Matthews leads in the rookie hazing, forcing McClellin to get a full-back tattoo depicting an anthropomorphic confederate flag injecting itself with steroids. A.J. Hawk will make McClellin will make wear a blonde wig until his hair is deemed long enough.
29. Baltimore Ravens - Someone you're inevitably going to hate, skill position, Miami
Fuck the Ravens.
Fuck the Ravens.
30. San Francisco 49ers - Kevin Zeitler, G, Wisconsin
Totally a real guy. Whatever. Back-to-back picks for the Harbaughs? Fuck the Harbaughs.
31. New England Patriots - Andre Festerwick, G, Kenyon
You turned this shit off after the Steelers picked. It's just madness that they're having this on a week night. You have to work tomorrow. There's no way you're going to stay up to watch this.
32. New York Giants - Je'Clampton Cromartie, CB, American University
These guys are in a holding pattern. Every year, they suck a little more, and Tom Coughlin is on the hot seat. And every year, he somehow survives, but his seat gets a little hotter and all anyone can talk about with regard to the Giants is how hot the seat is, and then they get worse and underachieve a little more and a little more, barely sneaking into the playoffs by year three of the cycle. Then, as the last team in, they win the whole thing and Tom Coughlin buys himself another term. But you don't care. You live for moments like this: