Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Pittsburgh "In" for 2012?

When I see Pittsburgh get recognition, I almost instantly devolve into a small child who's been given an entire roll of aluminium foil. I couldn't watch Pens-Caps 24/7 last year without wearing adult diapers. That's how much I love this town. So whenever I see something linked or posted that contains the promise of some Steel Town love, I jump in it. When National Geographic, Forbes and The Economist all declare Pittsburgh special for its various awesome qualities, I always read that stuff. So too was the case with this gem.

I heard earlier today that the Washington Post had declared Pittsburgh to be "hot" or "in" or "good," so I went searching for the story. Until today, I was under the impression that the Washington Post was still a newspaper. After reviewing the list, I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Here's a brief summary of what else the Washington Post says is "Out" with 2011 and "In" with 2012.
Out: Apps
In: Naps
You heard it here first, people. The Washington Post says that apps are out! Sell all your apps and then delete the ones you can't sell! Apps are done! Over! In fact, just throw away your phone. You won't need it, as 2012 is to be the year of the napture.

Out: Ryan Gosling
In: Michael Fassbender
Pack it in, Gosling! "Ides of March" underwhelmed! Someone take this guy out back and shoot him -- we found someone more German.

Out: Organic vodka
In: White whiskey
Why the continued fascination with clear alcohol? Do people think it's healthier or something? Are we going to start just drinking it right out of the still?

Out: Hyperbole
In: Pragmatism
I didn't realize these were mutually exclusive. Isn't the very suggestion that they are hyperbolic in and of itself? Didn't we just agree to slaughter Ryan Gosling?

Out: Tebowing
In: Hunting the God particle
Ordinary people of Earth: Where once you planked and then, several weeks later, you Tebowed, return to that location, only with a particle accelerator larger than Switzerland, and take photos of yourself and your friends learning about the nature of matter. THIS IS 2012!

Out: Lobbyists
In: Paid historians
I was a history major in college, and I still have no idea what this means, but I'm sure the lobbyists find it hilarious that someone thinks they're "so last year."

Out: Civil War reenactors
In: Titanic revivalists
I'll actually be thrilled if this turns out to be true because it will mean a lot of obnoxious people will be drowning themselves on purpose in the coming year.

Out: New Girl
In: Girls
As someone who has been trying in semi-earnest to flirt with Lena Dunham on Twitter since February, I'm glad the rest of the world seems to be coming around. On the other hand, I'm dismayed that the rest of the world seems to be coming around.

Out: Bryce Dallas Howard
In: Jessica Chastain
Jessica Chastain had made about nine movies that were all on the shelf until last year, and two or three of them -- including Terrence Malick's "The Tree of Life" -- came out last year. Don't call it a comeback, she's been here for years. Also, who the FUCK is Bryce Dallas Howard?

Out: Michael Caine
In: Christopher Plummer
Wait, is this 1968? I thought I was reading the Internet. Is this the year we finally lose Helen Mirren and get a heavy dose of that sexpot Maggie Smith? In: push-button telephones! Money-grams! AM radio!

Out: Rothian ennui
In: Didionesque despair
The Washington Post is already working on mounting a campaign to get Joan Didion to host SNL. They're also going to feel so bad when Philip Roth dies in two weeks.

Out: Natalee Holloway
In: Natalie Wood
Old British actors weren't enough? We've taken to actually making an argument out of which dead people are hotter right now? How about something people actually care about, like "In: Randy Fichtner, out: Bruce Arians"?

Out: Reagan
In: Thatcher
Will this finally be the year Maggs catches up to Ron? The Washington Post, newspaper of Ben Bradlee, Katherine Graham and Bob Woodward says yes!

Out: Drama
In: Obama
Presidential legislation outlawing drama forces TNT to learn something else, possibly with the help of Bo Jackson.

So you can understand the trepidation I might have when I see this list contains:

Out: Portland
In: Pittsburgh

In the context of the piece, this feels like it might be the Madden Curse.

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