Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Mayor Dudeface Rises

When we last left Mayor Dudeface, he had weaseled his way into the U.S. Open, the Steelers' victory parade, the Penguins' victory parade, a veritable cornucopia of fine dinners, awful concerts and other excesses in abuse of the throne. So it should come as no shock that when Christopher Nolan took over Pittsburgh during the summer to shoot The Dark Knight Rises, Mayor Dudeface just had to get in on the action. So not only did he get to apply his valuable football skills from his experience as a Division III kicker at Washington & Jefferson, he actually made it into the film's first trailer at the 1:08 mark.

That's not just a guy in a "Ravenstahl" jersey, that's actually him.

Scene: Pittsburgh City-County Building. Mayor Dudeface sits comfortably, hands folded, in a swivel throne of black leather with opulent gold trim. He faces the window, his back to his desk. The mahogany walls are lined with poster-sized photos of Mayor Dudeface posing with Pittsburgh sports greats, including Lynn Swann, Mario Lemieux, Ben Roethlisberger, Sidney Crosby and Andy Van Slyke. Many of them are autographed by the athletes. All of them are autographed by the mayor. A curvy blond aide in a thigh-high skirt and a low-cut blouse enters the room.

Aide: Mr. Mayor, there's a movie man here to see you.

/makes pouty face toward camera that does not exist

Mayor: Send him in.

Christopher Nolan: Mr. Mayor? Chris Nolan. Pleased to finally meet you, sir. As we discussed on the phone, I'll be directing the new Batman film, and I'd very much like to use Pittsburgh as my Gotham City.

/Mayor Dudeface remains in his chair, still facing the window

Mayor: Have a seat, Mr. Nolan.

/Nolan sits

Mayor: As you know, Mr. Nolan, I'd be thrilled to let you make your little movie here. I've always thought of Pittsburgh as the Gotham City of the Americas, so it's high-time our town gets the recognition it so richly deserves.

Nolan: I couldn't agree more, Mr. Mayor. 

Mayor: Call me Luke, Mr. Nolan.

Nolan: Yes, right. Well, Luke, The architecture here is so lovely and diverse, and after scouting it for a few months, I feel like it's exactly what we're looking for. Now we're looking to start shooting this summer, and we'd be in town for about three months. I've had my production team draw up a shooting schedule that not only allows us to get all of the shots we need, but at minimal inconvenience to the normal goings on in the city. I believe our sides have agreed to the appropriate compensation for this, and all that remains are the street closure and filming permits, and I have those here for your signature. Now if we're able to start the first week of...

Mayor: Mr. Nolan.

Nolan: Yes, Luke?

Mayor: Call me Mayor Luke.

Nolan: Um...right. Well, Mayor Luke, if we get started in the first week of...

Mayor: Chris, how would you like total access to the city? I'll close every street and every bridge on your command. Multiple police helicopters. More fireworks than you've ever seen in your goddamn life. I can make this whole city your stage on location. Wouldn't that be great, Chris?

Nolan: You'd just shut down the entire city for three months?

Mayor: Yes.

Nolan: I don't understand. What's the catch?

/Mayor finally swivels his black and gold throne around to face Nolan. He leans in and whispers.

Mayor: I'm Batman.

Nolan: What?


Nolan: That's very generous for you to offer, Mayor Luke, but we have Christian Bale already lined up for the role.

Mayor: I'll replace him.

Nolan: He's rather firmly entrenched at this point, sir. 

Mayor: I see how it is, Chris. Well, you can forget about those filming permits!

Nolan: You can play the kicker on the opposing football team, and I'll see to it that you appear in the trailer.

Mayor: OH HOLY SHIT THAT'S AWESOME! Where do I sign?

From 1:23 through 1:30, Hines Ward has a cameo during which he returns the mayor's kickoff and the field collapses into a sinkhole behind him as he runs. This prompts even more important questions about the film. What the hell is Hines Ward doing returning kickoffs? If Ward is the fastest guy on the field and the only one able to outrun the sinking terrain, what does that say about the quality of talent in whatever league the Gotham Rogues and Rapid City Monuments are playing in? Is Bruce Arians a head coach in this league? Do they run bubble screens on every play? Why would such a presumably shitty team have such a nice stadium?

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