Friday, July 1, 2011

A Bandwagon Fan's Guide to the 2011 Pittsburgh Pirates

Welcome, fan!

It's been a long time since the Pirates had a winning record this late in the season, and we're glad you've decided to start following the Bucs again! But before you start calling yourself a real Pirates fan again, here are a few things you probably need to know.
  1. It’s not a big deal if you have never heard of today’s starting catcher.
  2. Lanny Frattare retired three years ago.
  3. No, there are two McCutchens, and yes they are brothers.
  4. No, neither LaRoche is playing major league baseball right now.
  5. Xavier Paul is not the same guy who you were pissed we traded to the Yankees.
  6. Milwaukee is in our division now.
  7. It is now customary to stand during the ninth inning instead of during the pierogi race.
  8. Potato Pete is no longer racing in the PNC Park Pierogi Circuit.
  9. Remember those trades you hated? Yeah, that’s why the Pirates have Joel Hanrahan, Jose Tabata, Charlie Morton, Jeff Karstens and Daniel McCutchen.
  10. Kevin McClatchy doesn’t live here anymore.
  11. The Pirate Parrot and Jalapeno Hannah are no longer an item.
  12. Kris Benson didn’t pan out, but that’s okay.
  13. Yes, that is the same reel of “Baseball Bloopers” they played when you were here in 1998.
  14. I’m sorry, Dock Ellis won’t be at this alumni autograph session.
  15. Despite what you think right now, a Ryan Doumit jersey would not be a wise investment.
  16. The people responsible for bringing in Derek Bell are gone now.
  17. A pre-game beer at Hi-Topps isn’t really feasible.
  18. Yeah, that is the same guy who sells beer at Consol.
  19. We’re unlikely to see one of those Indian pitchers in the big leagues this year.
  20. If you’re serious about this, you probably need to stop rooting for the Red Sox.

1 comment:

Brennan said...

Post script: Xavier is pronounced "EX-avier".