Friday, February 4, 2011

The Pouncey Question

Maukice Pouncey has a high ankle sprain (fracture) and a separate broken bone in his ankle, sustained against the Jets in the AFC Championship. There is no way in hell he is going to play this weekend. That said, here are some possibilities:

1) The Steelers refuse to rule Pouncey out until the last minute with the aim of keeping Packers' NT B.J. Raji guessing as to which giant, hulking center he will have to face on Sunday.

2) The Steelers give Pouncey as long as humanly possible to heal before the game. He plays, and he has a Michael Jordan flu game.

3) The Pouncey is not injured. The entire thing is a facade meant to deflect attention from the rest of the team's penchant for boozing, strippers and waltzing around Dallas like they own the joint.

4) The Pouncey is critically injured and not going to play. The only reason the Steelers have not yet ruled him out is that they are searching for ways around this.

4a) The Steelers are working on the logistics of a plan to secretly replace Marukice with his twin brother, Florida guard Mike Pouncey. This can likely be done without anyone noticing.

4b) If Mike Pouncey can not be acquired in time to play in his brother's stead, the Steelers will hire Kenan Thompson and dress him in Pouncey's uniform, and incorporate a football-ized version of his memorable "knuckle-puck" move from "D2: The Mighty Ducks." Upon being handed the ball, Thompson will become confused by Green Bay's "psycho" formation of one down lineman and eight in the box, and immediately slip into a very funny impersonation of Bill Cosby that will result in a net loss of two yards, following a declined holding penalty against Ramon Foster.

5) Doug Legursky plays and is good.

6) Doug Legursky plays and is alright.

7) Doug Legursky plays and is bad.

8) The gravitational pull of these two teams meeting in the Super Bowl reaches fever pitch prior to game time, and just as the kicker begins to swing his leg downward toward the ball on the opening kickoff, a black hole opens up in Mexico and the Earth caves in on itself.

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