Wednesday, January 5, 2011

FTC 2010 Season Awards

The polls are closed, the results are in. Now everyone shut the fuck up.

The Randall Cunningham Comeback Player of the Year goes to...

Michael Vick
Really, we just threw this up front to get it out of the way. It really couldn't be anyone else. That
said, Tim voted for Troy Polamalu, who went from God's Gold Club to God's Chairman's Circle.

The Mitch Berger "How-Do-I-Still-Have-a-Job-In-This-Economy?" Award goes to...

Norv Turner
The strongest evidence yet that Troy Polamalu's God actually hates Philip Rivers is that Norv
Turner still has his job. Also receiving votes were Marvin Lewis, Graham Gano, Jeff Reed and
Jonathan Scott.

The Jamain Stephens Ongoing Disappointment Award goes to...

Limas Sweed.
This was unanimous. The upside is that it does set him up beautifully to win the award again
next season.

The Paul Posluszny Glass Skeleton Trophy goes to...

Daniel Sepulveda
I initially wanted to give this to Matthew Stafford, but that guy has excuses for getting hurt.
Props to Nils for righting me on this one. Tim lobbied for Dennis Dixon because Tim is a window-
licking retard.

The Rex Grossman Award goes to...

Christ, there was some horrible quarterback play this year. Tim voted for Brett Favre. Fine pick. Nils voted for Chad Henne. Also acceptable. I voted for Jimmy Claussen. He was pretty bad, too. And while Jay Cutler had a string of awesome games, when he played poorly, there was nobody worse. At this point, it might make sense just to give the award to the Sex Cannon, but he
wasn't as bad as any of these guys, even if he did have a higher turnover:snap ratio than anyone else. We're just going to give this award to everybody but Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers and hope that Brady Quinn gets some serious playing time somewhere next year.

The Brett Favre Golden Boy of the Year goes to...

Tim Tebow

An even bigger lock than Sweed. The orgasm Peter King had when Tebow was named the starter was so powerful that it caused Sting to feel a disturbance in The Force.

The Antonio Freeman Play of the Year goes to...

Troy Polamalu

The Jim Zorn Play of the Year goes to...

Sal Alosi

The Woody Hayes Punch of the Year goes to...

Andre Johnson

To be completely up front about this, I'm invoking executive power over the majority here, who selected Richard Seymour's after-the-play hit on Big Ben, and here's why:
1) The fact that neither of these guys were suspended only enhances the argument that the NFL's new policies on safety and conduct are disingenuous crap.
2) Cortland Finnegan is an asshole who should get punched in the head more often.
That said, it's not totally fair to exclude Ben Roethlisberger from any category that involves the deserved caving in of one's face.

The Joe Theisman Award for Horrific Primetime Injury goes to...

Ben Roethlisberger
Hurts, don't it?

The Clinton Portis Medal for Fantasy Genocide goes to...

Randy Moss
If you're the idiot who thought this was going to be a huge year for Beanie Wells, Knowshon Moreno or Rusty Smith, that's your own fucking fault. Moss was a top ten receiver in a contract year, and the guy managed to get himself traded, then cut, then signed by a team with -4 quarterbacks who targeted him once in five games. To 84's credit, though, he did manage to get Brad Childress fired while not even on the team.

The LaDanian Tomlinson "Who Stole My Relevance?" Award goes to...

Chris Johnson
Not really his fault. When your passing attack prominently features Kerry Collins looking for Nate Washington, you're going to see a lot of looks with 8-15 guys in the box. Chris will be back and twitchin' right and proper next year.

The Adrian Peterson "I Stole Your Relevance" Award goes to...

Arian Foster
So I guess those last few games of 2009 weren't flukey. And just the notion of a competent passing attack in Houston makes him all the more threatening.

The Brett Favre Disingenuous Asshole Award goes to...

Roger Goodell
This man is starting to make Bud Selig look like FDR.

The Larry Johnson Trophy for Worst Breakout Performance goes to...

Shonn Greene
Currently enrolled in the Jerome Bettis College of Block-Following. What's Latin for "three three-yard gains is almost a first down?"

The Eddie George Medal for Valor in Hitting a Wall goes to...

Willie Parker
It's good he got this out of his system when he did, because I doubt he'll be able to get that entire club reserved next year.

The Jerome Bettis Trade of the Year: Brady Quinn for Peyton Hillis, draft picks, curly fries and a side of cole slaw.
The Brian Billick Feel-Good Firing of the Year: Josh McDaniels
The Butch Davis Mid-Season Firing of the Year: Josh McDaniels
The Tamarick Vanover Work Release Player of the Year: Donte Stallworth
The LIRA (Least-Impact Rookie Award): We have a three-way tie! Your 2010 winners of the LIRA are Sergio Kindle, Dexter McCluster and Montario Hardesty. Better luck next year, gentlemen.
The Kevin Greene Award for Best Hair by a Pass Rusher: Clay Matthews

And finally, Free Tank Carter is proud to name as the FTC Mike Tomlin Man of the Year...

The 2010 season was horseshit. Between the league's false crackdown on violence, absurd fines for clean play, rules changes nobody understood, entirely throwing out the concept of "possession," James Harrison's existential crisis, a 7-9 team hosting a playoff game, Favreshouldercock-a-palooza and the 17-week non-story of Tom Brady's hair, there was one man who dared keep shit real. Rex, we at FTC salute you. THAT'S SOME GREAT HUSTLE!

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