Wednesday, April 21, 2010

On the Mayor of Canada

Lost in the hype surrounding Rotund Benjamin, his general rapeyness, his impending suspension for his general rapeyness, the speculation that the Steelers might trade Ben due to his rapey tendencies and the team's recent acquisition of Byron Leftwich, is the fact that there's been some pretty darn good playoff hockey and April baseball (the best baseball, except for all of the other baseball that comes after it) going on.

So with the aim of getting back to actually liking sports, we here at FTC are proud to announce the arrival of our newest contributor, Matt Brennan. Until we get all of his contract details squared away and assign him a nom de plume, he's authorized me to post his latest essay here in advance. And a timely essay it is.

With the Pens now up three games to one on the annually underachieving Ottawa Senators, Brennan comes to us today with an important primer on Canadian Civics.

Canadian Civics: Part One: Political System
I was recently disturbed, and disgusted, to learn that my friends have a shocking ignorance of Canadian politics and culture. What follows is a very basic primer of the Canadian political system, and a short outline of Canadian culture and history. Please take time to visit your local library (or a distant library, if you have the resources to do so) to learn more on your own. I do not expect to impart the nuances of this wonderful and mysterious country. I only hope to spark interest which leads to further research on the part of the reader.

The Canadian Political System
The Canadian national government has three branches, not unlike our own. The three branches consist of The Mayor of Canada, The Head Constable, and The City Planner. Each branch plays an important role, though it should be made clear this is not a traditional "checks-and-balances" system, but instead a collaberative "help-and-support" system. The three branch each have their own set of responsibilities, histories, and traditions.

I. The Mayor of Canada
The Mayor of Canada (MoC) is the head executive of the Canadian government. The position is not elected in the traditional sense, but instead is chosen by national consensus in a Canadian Mayoral Convention. All Canadians convene at the Toronto Skydome every third Septober 32nd (metric calander), with each neighborhood presenting their own candidate for consideration. Once one candidate is determined to be a sufficiently good guy, consensus is reached, and the band Rush performs the ceremonial "ascension song", Tom Sawyer. The Mayor is then presented the Key to Canada and the Lady Byng Trophy, completing the ceremony (NOTE: Traditionally, the MoC has sometimes lead the NHL in goals-against average, but this is NOT a prerequisite to the position).

The primary role of the MoC is to make "decrees", which can be roughly translated to Americans as "bills" or "laws". Important decrees may include, but are hardly limited to: which hockey players should be "booed", alcohol content levels in beer (see: The Molson XXX Decrees), Ann Murray holidays, permissable Canadian websites (FUN FACT: these can be spotted by the ".ca" at the end!), and which novelty items are to be brought to the hockey rink.

The MoC also serves an important ceremonial role, visiting each of the nine Canadian neighborhoods (Montreal, Ottawa, Edmonton, Vancouver, Winnepeg, Toronto, France-land, Hamilton, and Calgary), making decrees, settling tribal quarrels with his whistle-stick (described later), and cutting ribbons to start rodeos. The MoC is also considered an infallible judge of Canadian Mythology and Legend (described later) and has the sole authority to canonize Canadians.

Finally, the MoC is the main booker and manager for Rush, organizing and planning all secret Canadian tours.

II. Head Constable
The Head Constable (HC) is the top law enforcement and military officer in Canada. He is responsible for the security of all nine Canadian neighborhoods. He is chosen by the MoC, serving at his will, and is generally an up-standing citizen with a strong aversion towards "Naughty Monkee-shines, nonsense, and general mis-Behaviour" (see: Canadian Constitution).The HC keeps a list of all Canadians, and their "going-ons". He is authorized to subject misbehaving Canadian citizens to admonitions, stern lectures, or even temporary detentions, with the citizen not receiving a release until either a sincere apology is delivered, or they are pardoned by the MoC (see: Canadian Criminal Code; also NOTE: Canadians are protected against repeated, excess, cruel, and unusual admonitions and lectures. Detentions are limited to no longer than 15 minutes, except in cases of capital naughty-ness).

As the head of the Canadian Homeland Security Agency, the HC is primarily employed in preventing Alanis Morrisette from re-entering the country. The HC also directs the Canadian Secret Service, protecting the MoC from assassination.

Every Decembuary 43rd, the HC serves as Canadian Father Christmas, consulting his "going-ons" list, and "delivering toys and candies for (good) boys and girls, and admonitions and stern lectures for those partaking in Naughty Monkee-shines, nonsense, and general mis-Behaviour." (see: Canadian Constitution)

Finally, the HC coordinates security for Rush during all secret Canadian tours.

III. The City Planner
The City Planner (CP) is the highest ranking Canadian civil official. He plans Canada and is charged with maintaining each of its nine neighborhoods (though France-land neighborhood retains some autonomy in its city planning, producing novelty French street signs and a series of winter mime festivals).

Primary duties of the CP include (but are not limited to): designing hockey rinks, building ice roads, maintaining ice conditions, NHL scheduling, rodeo repair, and Commissioner of the Canadian Football League (CFL) (NOTE: the honor of announcing the first pick of the CFL draft is retained by the MoC).

The CP is also responsible for maintaining and repairing the attractions of each Canadian neighborhood, including most notably: Toronto's Hockey Hall of Fame, Calgary's Rodeoland and Waterslide Park, Winnepeg's Jet and Blue Bomber Aviation Center, Vancouver's Whacky-Sled Chute and Kid's Whacky-Sled Chute, France-land's Ice Cirque, Hamilton's Haunted Hayride (ask about our "Canadian Father Christmas Rides With Reindeer", every Decembuary!), Ottawa's Mayoral Estates and Ice Gardens, Edmonton's Grand Ole Canadian Opery, and Montreal's Hard Rock Cafe.

Finally, the CP coordinates and plans stage productions for Rush during all secret Canadian tours.

While this is only an outline of the venerable Canadian system, it should serve as an adequate guide to further knowledge. Get out there and learn more about the Canadian political system!

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