Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How I was Mel Kiper Jr.ed into submission

As FTC is your alternative sports media, we thought it would be great to offer you an alternative to all the the bullshit mock drafts that are out there.

In our forecast, the only thing that matters is whether a team won't pick a certain guy. Here, let's look into the future...

1. St. Louis Rams -- OLB Jerry Hughes; I know very little about this guy, except that he's a pass rusher, and that that's not going #1 overall.

2. Detroit Lions -- OT Charles Brown; An excellent player, but probably the 6th or 7th best lineman on the board. No way do they reach that low.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- S Taylor Mays; The Buccaneers need help everywhere on defense, and the secondary would be a great place to start. However, there are at least two better safeties on the board, and several corners as well. Mays could be a surprise jump up the board, but not this high.

4. Washington Redskins -- WR Dez Bryant; I'm hoping I'm wrong about this one, as Bryant could provide the perfect flop for the mighty Redskins.

5. Kansas City Chiefs -- CB Kareem Jackson; KC needs a hell of a lot. Jackson fits in nicely here because he's a reach, not because the Chiefs couldn't ultimately use his services.

6. Seattle Seahawks -- OLB Sean Weatherspoon; same as Jackson above.

7. Cleveland Browns -- C Maurkice Pouncey; The Browns have quite a few "need" positions. Offensive line isn't really one of them, and if there's a weakness to be found in that unit, it's not at center, but RT.

8. Oakland Raiders -- NT Terrance Cody; this is a dicey prediction, as Al Davis may in fact be so overwhelmed by the sheer size of the Alabama Nose Guard that he reaches about 20 picks to get him. However, the most important thing to consider is how damn slow Mount Cody is, and how that just doesn't fit into Oakland's system of sprinters.

9. Buffalo Bills -- DE Jason Pierre-Paul; Buffalo is switching the 3-4 or some shit? They don't know what the butt they're doing. Pierre-Paul is good, but would be a huge reach.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars -- DT Ndamukong Suh; won't be here for the Jags, though it'd be nice for them if he was.

11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago) -- DT Gerald McCoy; like Suh, would be great if he was here, but he won't be.

12. Miami Dolphins -- OT Trent Williams; The Dolphins don't get this guy, and aren't going OT anyway.

13. San Francisco 49ers -- OT Russell Okung; another excellent lineman who won't fall to a team that could use him.

14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) -- OT Anthony Davis; I'm just guessing at this point.

15. New York Giants -- QB Tim Tebow; I'd love to see Tom Coughlin's look of displeasure when Tebow breaks his collar bone, trying to tackle the linebacker who picks him in game one of the preseason.

16. Tennessee Titans -- RB C.J. Spiller; the offensive backfield isn't a need.

17. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina) -- OLB, Sergio Kindle; really, just pulling a name out of the hat. San Francisco could take anyone.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers -- TE Jermaine Gresham; the Pittsburgh Steelers enter draft night with more question marks than in previous years. The tight end position is not one of them.

19. Atlanta Falcons -- DT Dan Williams; guessing.

20. Houston Texans -- QB Jimmy Clausen; Matt Schaub led the league in total yardage last year. Getting a Charlie Weis trainwreck is not a "need" for the Texans.

21. Cincinnati Bengals -- CB Kyle Wilson; this is a tough one, as Kyle Wilson could fall and would be a great pickup. I'm going with the Bungles because they already have a pretty good tandem at the corners, and would be interested in improving other areas.

22. New England Patriots -- DE Derrick Morgan; the Pats want a passrusher, and this guy is a runstopper.

23. Green Bay Packers -- DE Brandon Graham; a 4-3 DE who won't get asked to play 3-4 by the Packers.

24. Philadelphia Eagles -- OT Bryan Bulaga; FUCK PHILADELPHIA.

25. Baltimore Ravens -- S Eric Berry; Considered by many to be a true prodigy at the position, Berry would team up with Reed to be an unholy downfield combination. Good thing he'll be long gone before Baltimore is on the clock.

26. Arizona Cardinals -- ILB Rolando McClain; won't be there.

27. Dallas Cowboys -- S Earl Thomas; everything would be right with the world (in Texas) if the Cowboys could pull this off. Too bad he'll be off the board.

28. San Diego Chargers -- CB Kyle Wilson; won't fall.

29. New York Jets -- CB Joe Haden; won't fall.

30. Minnesota Vikings -- OT Bruce Campbell; won't fall.

31. Indianapolis Colts -- QB Sam Bradford; The Colts already have a backup QB. His name is Peyton Manning's Left Arm.

32. New Orleans Saints -- G Mike Iupati; it would be somewhat of an upset if this guy fell that low.

Great. Now I'm excited to compare this to the thing that actually happens. I also look forward to speaking in loud, strident tones when something I said doesn't come to pass. Who's with me?

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