Thursday, April 22, 2010

FTC Mock Draft, Special Edition

The editors at FTC have mentioned our feelings on draft previews and mock drafts. Our undying respect for Mel Kiper Jr. notwithstanding, they're basically nuts. But they are fun, especially if there's a specific angle, like Matt's work on the Steelers. Or if there's a story on a specific player, for example, that really hasn't been covered by the media.

This year, there is such an unheralded player, a young man who has just escaped the attention of that evil liberal mainstream right wing media. I think we all know who that is. So without further ado, the special edition of the FTC 2010 mock draft

  1. St. Louis Rams - Tim Tebow, Florida, QB - In a surprise move, the Rams take a little-known QB sleeper out of the SEC, saying his intangibles will help change the culture of losing and teach the team how to win.
  2. Detroit Lions - Tim Tebow, Florida, OL - Trying to bolster support and protect new franchise QB Matt Stafford, the Lions take Tebow, saying his heart will not only protect Stafford's blind side but rebuild Michigan's economy.
  3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tim Tebow, Florida, DT - Taking a (fairly) local boy, the Bucs finally get their replacement for Warren Sapp, and hopefully an end to the strip club culture of Tampa.
  4. Washington Redskins - Tim Tebow, Florida, WR - The Redskins do what the Eagles never could by giving McNabb a bona fide deep threat, slot receiver and life coach, all with one pick.
  5. Kansas City Chiefs - Tim Tebow, Florida, TE/OLB - Former Patriots GM Scott Pioli loves big, physical, versatile players, and KC hasn't been the same since Tony Gonzalez left.
  6. Seattle Seahawks - Tim Tebow, Florida, FS - It's a bit of a reach, but Seattle wasn't smug enough as a city, and Tebow is the man to help.
  7. Cleveland Browns - Tim Tebow, Florida, Mayor - Using an obscure bit of parliamentary procedure, the Browns draft Tebow with the 7th pick and put him in charge of the city. LeBron stays.
  8. Oakland Raiders - Tim Tebow, Florida, WR/CB - He's just so fast!
  9. Buffalo Bills - Tim Tebow, Florida, QB - This team has a lot of needs, but Jim Kelly told them to take Tebow as a quarterback in the first round, and given Kelly's long history of success in front office management, Buddy Nix defers.
  10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tim Tebow, Florida, SS - Local boy makes good, sells tickets, returns team to Wild Card contention.
  11. Denver Broncos (from Chicago) - Tim Tebow, Florida, FB - Giving up Payton Hills for Brady Quinn really hurt the Broncos. This can make it right.
  12. Miami Dolphins - Tim Tebow, Florida, VP of Football Operations - Screw you, Parcells. Miami has in near Key West, which has lots of liberals and gay people. Tebow will show them all the way to the Lord. Plus, he did missionary work in Puerto Rico, so he's heard Spanish before.
  13. San Francisco 49ers - Tim Tebow, Florida, P - Yes, Andy Lee is a pro-bowler, and the pride of Pitt's special teams unit of the past decade. But the San Francisco area is a major donor base for Planned Parenthood.
  14. Seattle Seahawks - Tim Tebow, Florida, Barista - Doubling down on intangibles, it turns out that the Seahawks need someone to get Matt Hasselbeck coffee.
  15. NY Giants - Tim Tebow, Florida, QB - Is your seat getting warm yet, Eli?
  16. Tennessee Titans - Tim Tebow, Florida, OLB - He'll charge through all those holes Kyle Vanden Bosch and Albert Haynesworth used to create.
  17. San Francisco 49ers - Tim Tebow, Florida, ILB - Mike Singletary sees himself in the young man from Florida, down to the penchant for removing his pants at halftime.
  18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Tim Tebow, Florida, OG - The Steelers finally draft an interior lineman with a brain! KYF5K rejoices.
  19. Atlanta Falcons - Tim Tebow, Florida, QB - By moving Matt Ryan to H-back, the Falcons make room for Tebow, who promises to resurrect all the dogs Michael Vick killed.
  20. Houston Texans - Tim Tebow, Florida, OT - They've felt burned ever since their first ever pick in the expansion draft, Tony Boselli got injured and retired without ever playing a down.
  21. Cincinnati Bengals - Tim Tebow, Florida, Warden - They can do this one of two ways; Tebow can be a real nice guy, or he can be a real mean son of a bitch.
  22. New England Patriots - Tim Tebow, Florida, Sweatshirt technician - Belichick finally found someone whose upstanding character is worthy of washing the source of his evil power.
  23. Green Bay Packers - Tim Tebow, Florida, QB - Yes, he gets the number 4.
  24. Philadelphia Eagles - Tim Tebow, Florida, OT - A year late, the Eagles finally get someone to protect Donovan McNabb and seal the edge for Shady McCoy. Philly fans immediately demand that Andy Reid be fired and replaced by Tebow.
  25. Baltimore Ravens - Tim Tebow, Esq., Florida, ILB - Ray Lewis needs a successor, as an on-the-field star, a locker room leader, and a criminal mastermind. Tebow's arrival in Baltimore brings back "The Wire," this time as a delightfully heartwarming inspirational romantic comedy show about the arts-based revitalization of West Baltimore.
  26. Arizona Cardinals - Tim Tebow, Florida, WR - The nation's best receiving corps gets even deeper.
  27. Dallas Cowboys - Tim Tebow, Florida, FB - The 'boys finally gets a fitting successor to Moose Johnston. Tebow's arrival broadens the franchise appeal, which now becomes "North and South America's Team"
  28. San Diego Chargers - Tim Tebow, Florida, KR/PR - With Sproles taking over full-time running back duties, there's a huge hole in the return game.
  29. NY Jets - Tim Tebow, Florida, Reindeer - Rex Ryan finally gets a beast of wintry burden who's almost as bad-ass and hungry as he is.
  30. Minnesota Vikings - Tim Tebow, Florida, CB - This time, when Brett Favre throws a pick-six to end the season, the DB who catches it will also be a Viking. Yes, he can play for both teams at the same time. Why? Because he's TIM EFFING TEBOW.
  31. Indianapolis Colts - Tim Tebow, Florida, Owner - The simple act of placing Tebow in charge of the franchise rights decades of wrongs instantly. The Colts move back to Baltimore. The Ravens move to Portland (both Maine and Oregon, causing major travel issues and division realignment). The Wire (pick 25) remains on network TV.
  32. New Orleans Saints - Tim Tebow, Florida, General Counsel - Citing a precipitous rise in Mardi Gras-related legal costs, the Saints bring on Tebow to get the department in line and keep the players on the field and the fans in the seats. Drew Brees agrees to give up any current and future sacrilegious nicknames.


Face of Spades said...

THAT is the kind of mock draft I can get behind.

Brennan said...

You nailed that Denver pick.