Wednesday, January 6, 2010

End of the year awards

Plenty of sites give out their own end-of-season awards. And whether they're serious or sarcastic, they'll all universally stupid. These are ours, and they will be no different. We only hope they make more sense than the real ones.

Comeback Player of the Year -- Kerry Collins
Tom Brady, Ricky Williams and Vince Young all had outstanding years, and all could be argued as deserving of the term "comeback player". However, nobody followed up a disturbingly solid year, then came back to Earth quite like Kerry Collins. Mazel tov to him.

The Mitch Berger How-Do-I-Still-Have-a-Job-in-This-Economy Award -- Shaun Suisham

You missed several field goals that would have won games for your team, including a 23-yard chip shot that would have sealed a win over the then-undefeated New Orleans Saints. He was unceremoniously released the following day, quickly catching on in Dallas in relief of Nick Folk, who would have won this award if anyone had bothered to sign him when the Cowboys cut him.

The Jamain Stephens Ongoing Disappointment Award -- Paul Posluszny
Wait, who?

The Paul Posluszny Glass Skeleton Trophy -- Charlie Batch

He lasted literally four snaps this season, and was injured on the third one. Next year, we're looking at him breaking his leg while jogging out to the huddle.

The Rex Grossman Award -- JaMarcus Russell
It's been real, man! No, no fries for me, thanks. Watching the ol' diet. Gotta get down to playing weight, ya know? Oh, wait. No, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

The Brett Favre Award -- Brett Favre
Favre narrowly edges out Tony Romo, capturing his 19th straight win in this category.

The Chris Henry Memorial Award for Courage -- Jim Zorn
He had his play calling duties stripped from him back in October and given to a guy whose principle occupation at the time was as a church bingo caller. He spent the entire year as a lame duck on a shitty team, yet even in the final weeks of the season, refused to acknowledge the possibility that he might not be back next year. He called the single most laughably absurd play of all-time, the simple formation of which forced the Giants to take a defensive time out. And then he called the exact same play again. After he was fired, he was escorted out of Redskins headquarters by security at 4:45 a.m. You might call it arrogance. We call it courage.

Play of the Year -- Jim Zorn, 12/21
See above.

Play of the Decade -- Jim Zorn, 12/21

The Bob Ligashesky Award for Special Teams Ineptitude -- Jim Zorn

Normally, you'd think this would go to Steelers ST coach Bob Ligashesky. After all, Steelers coverage teams allowed return touchdowns in eight consecutive games this year. But this is just too good. There was a small sliver of a possibility that Jim Zorn could have gone on to a successful career as a quarterbacks coach, or even an offensive coordinator in the NFL. This play erased any chance of that ever happening. Congratulations, however, are in order to Mr. Ligashesky, who since leaving the Steelers' organization, has taken over control of the Penguins' power play.

The Woody Hayes Punch of the Year -- Tom Cable

Coach Cable locked this one up before the regular season even started. Props, though, to Albert Haynesworth for his stellar late-season charge.

The Tamarick Vanover Work Release Player of the Year -- Michael Vick

The Bam Morris Convict of the Year -- Plaxico Burress

The Kevin Greene Award for Best White Trash Pass Rush -- Jared Allen

"The mullet isn't just a hairdo, it's a lifestyle."

The Jay Cutler "This Is Going to be Hilarious" Award -- Jay Cutler

The Clinton Portis Medal for Fantasy Football Genocide -- Matt Forte
We here at FTC are currently consulting with our attorneys about what it might take to have Matt Forte extradited to The Hague and tried for war crimes.

The Conn Smythe Trophy -- Evgeni Malkin

We just want Geno to know that we still love him.

The Mike Williams Underachievement Trophy -- William Gay

Best New Sitcom About Fantasy Football -- FX's "The League"

If you haven't seen it, check it out on Hulu or something. We never thought a TV show would so appropriately capture the spite, hatred and juvenile hubris of fantasy football. This show does.

The LIRA (Least Impact Rookie Award) --
Darius Heyward-Bey

The LaDainian Tomlinson "Who Stole My Relevance" Award -- Adrian Peterson

The Adrian Peterson "I Stole Your Relevance" Award -- Chris Johnson

The Herm Edwards Quote of the Year -- Steve Smith

FTC Man of the Year -- Chad Ocho Cinco
He had an outstanding year, and his performance on "Hard Knocks" was damn near legendary.

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