The press conference will begin momentarily, so that the nation's newspapers will have plenty of time to lead with the blockbuster in tomorrow's sports sections. Neal Huntington, the Pirates general manager, will wear a sports jacket. A gold tie, too. His hair will be combed. Teeth brushed.
Doesn't this kind of imply that Neal Huntington might not ordinarily wear a tie, comb his hair or brush his teeth? It's good that he at least does it on Special Press Conference Day so that he looks good for important media heads like Jeff "Pappa Hemingway" Pearlman.
Everyone in attendance will be offered a choice of water or Coca-Cola. Glasses will be provided. Chairs as well. Wood ones, not plastic.
Gone are the days when the Pirates made all of the writers sit on the cold, concrete floor and drink rainwater out of the media room rainwater cistern.
This is how things are done these days at PNC Park. Classy. Smart. Are the Pirates en route to greatness? Look no further than the team Web site, where yesterday's lead headline beamed, PIRATES ADD VETERAN LOPEZ TO LEFTY BULLPEN MIX! (Admittedly, I've added the exclamation point. But, hey, it's not every day a team signs a pitcher with major league experience who literally nobody has heard of).
There's just so much wrong with this paragraph. First of all, Jeffrey, you didn't just add the exclamation point, you put the fucking thing in all caps. You did. Not them. The Pirates aren't claiming the signing of Javier Lopez to be an all-caps affair. That's just you.
Also, where do you get off saying that "literally nobody" has ever heard of Javier Lopez? It aggravates me to no end that you are a professional writer for a nationally recognized sports media outlet, but that you don't know how to properly use the word "literally." That literally aggravates me. I am literally aggravated with your fourth-grade command of your native language that I'm taking time out from my life and my responsibilities to pen not only this blog post, but a strongly worded letter to you, expressing on behalf of millions of fact-loving Pirates fans and English majors what an enormous douche we think you are.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the man sitting to my left needs no introduction," says Huntington, beaming from dimple to dimple. "He's someone we've been interested in for a long time; someone who can restore honor and a winning attitude to the Pittsburgh Pirates organization. We are committed to excellence here in Pittsburgh, and that's why this is such a historic day in our franchise's history. I'm pleased to introduce the newest member of the Pirates family, a proven winner and a future Hall of Famer ...""Nomar Garciaparra!"
I know it's only been one paragraph, and that said paragraph consisted entirely of a fake Neal Huntington block quote, but I suppose that's just part of the problem. Jeff Pearlman went to the University of Delaware, where he no doubt majored in over-sharing. Neal Huntington merely has a BA from Amherst College, an MA in Sports Management from UMass-Amherst, and has, to the best of our knowledge, never found blood in his stool and proceeded to write about it in a public sports forum on the Internet. Never will you hear Neal Huntington use the phrase "historic day in our franchise's history." It takes an English wiz like Jeff Pearlman to pen a gem like that.
Also, I don't ever recall the Pirates expressing any interest in Nomar Garciaparra. Ever.
You are wondering if this can happen.
No, I'm not.
You are wondering if any team would be crazy enough to sign an unproductive, uncooperative utility infielder stripped of his range, his pop and his health.