Monday, November 2, 2009

Some Ideas

I saw this from the AP, today. Hilarious.

Randall said he and Schafer would spend Monday night putting together a formal presentation for Lerner, who took over ownership of the Browns after his father, Al, died in 2002.

Powerpoint? Hypercard? Posterboard and magic marker?

I decided I'd put together a counter-presentation, in case Randy Lerner isn't convinced by what two random season ticket holders have to tell him. So, if you're out there, Randy, please consider the following:

1. Euthanize Bernie Kosar.

Read as much of this as you can without vomiting. Then tell me the poor bastard doesn't deserve to be put out of his misery.

2. Bring back Charlie Frye.

Charlie Frye was TERRIBLE, yes. No one's denying that. But Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are combining for what could be the worst quarterbacking of all time. Not an exaggeration. Worst quarterbacking of all time.

Also, if you bring back Charlie Frye, you bring back this:

Charlie Frye!

3. Fire Greg Kokinis.

Rex Ryan seems to be doing all your GM work for you. Why pay Kokinis?


4. Sue your own players.

This sounds crazy, sure, but just stick with me. Everyone knows that your own guys-- even the ones who grew up huge Browns fans and dreamt their entire lives of playing for your miserable team-- come back to sue you in the end. Beat 'em to the punch! Just imagine, you could be recouping those giant bonuses you recklessly awarded to players who never played a single snap... or if nothing else, you could try your luck on the other side of the counter-suit. Look, I'm not asking you to punt on 1st down. Just to alienate your personnel beyond what you've already done with the chance that-- MAYBE-- your problem is not going far enough.

5. Euthanize my father.

I can't stand to see him like this.

6. Let the fans play.

You have SIXTY-TWO THOUSAND people who are more deserving to start at nickelback than Hank Poteat. That's not even close to false. If you really want to show the people of Cleveland that you're a cool guy and not just some prick who hates American sports but loves British ones and just happened to accidentally inherit the Browns, then you need to line them up for open casting calls. See what kind of talent you have in section 178.

7. Let the fans drink.

Cleveland has gone 45 years without a championship. 35 years since 10 Cent Beer Night. Bring it back and you'll be the cool owner.

8. Euthanize Nick Sorensen.

I don't even know who that is, I just picked his name randomly from your roster. I can't imagine he'd mind the favor you'd be doing him.

9. Join in the protest.

Monday Night Football rolls around. The Ravens are licking their chops. Your fans are hiding out before kickoff to show their displeasure with .... things that aren't pleasurable. Maybe the entire team should do the same. See if Baltimore will just take the hint and go home without kicking your ass. Sure, you may get called for the forfeit, but whatever. Who were you trying to impress anyhow?

10. Start learning the words and melody to this.

I'll expect to hear it next time we're in town.

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