Monday, November 16, 2009

Joe Morgan's not the only one to think Michael Lewis is pushing an evil agenda

The FTC Film Society would like to opine that "The Blind Side" is going to blow, and here's why.
1. It's about a Baltimore Raven.
2. It's essentially a Hallmark Channel original, headlined by Sandra Bullock.
3. The title refers to the main character playing Left Tackle, when in fact he's a Right Tackle. I don't care what he did in the past, we're not here to talk about the past; we're here to say that it's a stupid title, and that it will teach a lot of suburban MILFs the wrong terminology.
Now, for your pleasure, I'm going to break down this pile of teary shit trailer. My comments come pretty fast, and I'm not sure how you'll read them while watching the video. Print it out or something, see what I care.

0:22-- What makes the DMV great (and let's admit it, the DMV's pretty great), is that rich housewives have to wait amongst people who smell, and that no amount of affluential sass will change that. The DMV equalizes in ways the Bill of Rights never could. For Sandra Bullock (playing Heather Locklear's character from Spin City) to get her way... gah! It just upsets me in the same way that uncalled holding penalties do. It cheapens everything for everyone!

0:29 -- where's Dennis Quaid and why isn't he playing this part?

0:51-- They pull into the driveway of this absolute pimp mansion, and then cut to Sandra Bullock putting blankets on the couch for the homeless kid. Entirely reasonable that they wouldn't have a guest room.

0:54-- Not-Dennis Quaid asks: "It's just for one night, right?" SPOILER ALERT: Nope!

1:15-- SPOILER ALERT: They build an addition to the house that includes a guest room, complete with guest bed.

1:33-- If this was a real movie, the part would be played by Whoopi Goldberg or Oprah.

1:35-- SPOILER ALERT: He prefers the couch!

1:39-- FTC commends the appearance of 40 oz malt liquors in any and all feature film trailers.


1:55-- Sandra Bullock pats Not-Dennis Quaid on the ass, and he yells "We're at practice" and she replies "you can thank me later."

2:05-- Sandra Bullock is teaching the kids how to play football. I find this very unnerving, as she's also going to (SPOILER ALERT!) make moms who came to the movie cry their eyes out. More specifically, she's going to make my mom bawl in public, and then my mom's going to come home and tell me how much I should see this movie because "there's actually a lot for a guy to enjoy, like the parts where they talk about football." NOT HAVING IT, MOM!

2:10-- Deadlifting a young Culkin brother is not as impressive as James Harrison's workouts, where he leg presses Haley Joel Osment's youngest siblings into a concrete wall.

2:14--It may not look like him, but that is actually Freddie Prinze Jr.

2:25-- SPOILER ALERT: They fuck right there on the bleachers before the big game. You can see Sandra Bullock's breast briefly before the credits roll.

Final thought: I hope it turns out that the reason Sandra Bullock's character is so nice to Michael Oher is because there's a bomb somewhere on him, and the moment her kindness slows down, everyone dies. I know it won't happen, but I can still hope everyone on the Ravens dies.

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