Monday, November 16, 2009

Joe Morgan's not the only one to think Michael Lewis is pushing an evil agenda

The FTC Film Society would like to opine that "The Blind Side" is going to blow, and here's why.
1. It's about a Baltimore Raven.
2. It's essentially a Hallmark Channel original, headlined by Sandra Bullock.
3. The title refers to the main character playing Left Tackle, when in fact he's a Right Tackle. I don't care what he did in the past, we're not here to talk about the past; we're here to say that it's a stupid title, and that it will teach a lot of suburban MILFs the wrong terminology.
Now, for your pleasure, I'm going to break down this pile of teary shit trailer. My comments come pretty fast, and I'm not sure how you'll read them while watching the video. Print it out or something, see what I care.

0:22-- What makes the DMV great (and let's admit it, the DMV's pretty great), is that rich housewives have to wait amongst people who smell, and that no amount of affluential sass will change that. The DMV equalizes in ways the Bill of Rights never could. For Sandra Bullock (playing Heather Locklear's character from Spin City) to get her way... gah! It just upsets me in the same way that uncalled holding penalties do. It cheapens everything for everyone!

0:29 -- where's Dennis Quaid and why isn't he playing this part?

0:51-- They pull into the driveway of this absolute pimp mansion, and then cut to Sandra Bullock putting blankets on the couch for the homeless kid. Entirely reasonable that they wouldn't have a guest room.

0:54-- Not-Dennis Quaid asks: "It's just for one night, right?" SPOILER ALERT: Nope!

1:15-- SPOILER ALERT: They build an addition to the house that includes a guest room, complete with guest bed.

1:33-- If this was a real movie, the part would be played by Whoopi Goldberg or Oprah.

1:35-- SPOILER ALERT: He prefers the couch!

1:39-- FTC commends the appearance of 40 oz malt liquors in any and all feature film trailers.


1:55-- Sandra Bullock pats Not-Dennis Quaid on the ass, and he yells "We're at practice" and she replies "you can thank me later."

2:05-- Sandra Bullock is teaching the kids how to play football. I find this very unnerving, as she's also going to (SPOILER ALERT!) make moms who came to the movie cry their eyes out. More specifically, she's going to make my mom bawl in public, and then my mom's going to come home and tell me how much I should see this movie because "there's actually a lot for a guy to enjoy, like the parts where they talk about football." NOT HAVING IT, MOM!

2:10-- Deadlifting a young Culkin brother is not as impressive as James Harrison's workouts, where he leg presses Haley Joel Osment's youngest siblings into a concrete wall.

2:14--It may not look like him, but that is actually Freddie Prinze Jr.

2:25-- SPOILER ALERT: They fuck right there on the bleachers before the big game. You can see Sandra Bullock's breast briefly before the credits roll.

Final thought: I hope it turns out that the reason Sandra Bullock's character is so nice to Michael Oher is because there's a bomb somewhere on him, and the moment her kindness slows down, everyone dies. I know it won't happen, but I can still hope everyone on the Ravens dies.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Mixed-Sports Metaphor

When I first proposed this feature to Spinmove he said "Oh, you mean like when someone says a running back has home run speed?" At the time, I didn't think it was that significant, but after 4 weeks of mild awareness and infrequent, snarky blogging, I've concluded that 73% of all mixed-sports metaphors involve a football running back being described as having the ability to hit a home run.

What separates this one from the pack, and makes it vaguely useful as comparative trope, is the "pinch-hit" part:

This doesn't necessarily mean we've seen the last of Fast Willie. He might still help the Steelers. He is capable of a pinch-hit homer, even if he hasn't had a run longer than 34 yards since late in '06.

Good job, Trib. You earned that one.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Vincente Padilla goes all Plex on himself

But because he did it in Nicaragua, it probably isn't a crime.

Per the AP:

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Vicente Padilla accidentally shot himself in the leg in Nicaragua.

Dr. Eduardo Reguera said Padilla didn’t need surgery after spending time at Managua’s Metropolitan Hospital.

Police spokesman Vilma Reyes said Wednesday that Padilla’s pistol apparently jammed during a target shooting session late Tuesday. Padilla was trying to clear a round from the chamber when the pistol went off.

His agent, Adam Katz, told The Los Angeles Times that it was a “hunting accident.”

Padilla went 4-0 with a 3.20 ERA for the Dodgers the final two months of the regular season. He allowed one run in 7 1-3 innings in Game 2 of the NL Championship Series, but was battered for six runs in three innings in a season-ending loss to the Phillies.

Oh my god...

...does anyone remember Xavier Nady?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Some Ideas

I saw this from the AP, today. Hilarious.

Randall said he and Schafer would spend Monday night putting together a formal presentation for Lerner, who took over ownership of the Browns after his father, Al, died in 2002.

Powerpoint? Hypercard? Posterboard and magic marker?

I decided I'd put together a counter-presentation, in case Randy Lerner isn't convinced by what two random season ticket holders have to tell him. So, if you're out there, Randy, please consider the following:

1. Euthanize Bernie Kosar.

Read as much of this as you can without vomiting. Then tell me the poor bastard doesn't deserve to be put out of his misery.

2. Bring back Charlie Frye.

Charlie Frye was TERRIBLE, yes. No one's denying that. But Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn are combining for what could be the worst quarterbacking of all time. Not an exaggeration. Worst quarterbacking of all time.

Also, if you bring back Charlie Frye, you bring back this:

Charlie Frye!

3. Fire Greg Kokinis.

Rex Ryan seems to be doing all your GM work for you. Why pay Kokinis?


4. Sue your own players.

This sounds crazy, sure, but just stick with me. Everyone knows that your own guys-- even the ones who grew up huge Browns fans and dreamt their entire lives of playing for your miserable team-- come back to sue you in the end. Beat 'em to the punch! Just imagine, you could be recouping those giant bonuses you recklessly awarded to players who never played a single snap... or if nothing else, you could try your luck on the other side of the counter-suit. Look, I'm not asking you to punt on 1st down. Just to alienate your personnel beyond what you've already done with the chance that-- MAYBE-- your problem is not going far enough.

5. Euthanize my father.

I can't stand to see him like this.

6. Let the fans play.

You have SIXTY-TWO THOUSAND people who are more deserving to start at nickelback than Hank Poteat. That's not even close to false. If you really want to show the people of Cleveland that you're a cool guy and not just some prick who hates American sports but loves British ones and just happened to accidentally inherit the Browns, then you need to line them up for open casting calls. See what kind of talent you have in section 178.

7. Let the fans drink.

Cleveland has gone 45 years without a championship. 35 years since 10 Cent Beer Night. Bring it back and you'll be the cool owner.

8. Euthanize Nick Sorensen.

I don't even know who that is, I just picked his name randomly from your roster. I can't imagine he'd mind the favor you'd be doing him.

9. Join in the protest.

Monday Night Football rolls around. The Ravens are licking their chops. Your fans are hiding out before kickoff to show their displeasure with .... things that aren't pleasurable. Maybe the entire team should do the same. See if Baltimore will just take the hint and go home without kicking your ass. Sure, you may get called for the forfeit, but whatever. Who were you trying to impress anyhow?

10. Start learning the words and melody to this.

I'll expect to hear it next time we're in town.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Primetime beanings

I kinda like the Phillies' strategy of just hitting A-Rod with pitches as often as possible. Now, with Joe Blanton hitting A-Rod in the top of the first with one out and men on, making his situation worse, the umps have warned both sides.

And CC Sabathia has yet to throw a pitch in this game.

Tim McCarver says that this advance warning will hurt Sabathia's ability to throw inside.

Who else thinks he's wrong?