Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Why it's impossible to root for the Phillies

  • The Phillies won the World Series last year. Let someone else have a chance, for god's sake.
  • Fact: Philadelphians do not actually like sports. Philadelphians follow and invest themselves in their sports teams as a vehicle through which to hate on other people for no reason whatsoever.
  • Have you ever had a real Philly cheesesteak? There is absolutely nothing special about a cheesesteak from Pat's or Geno's, relative to a cheesesteak you can get anywhere else in the country. I've had both Pat's and Geno's, and I still prefer the Special Steak from Uncle Sam's Subs on Forbes in Squirrel Hill. I'm sure Philadelphians would use this to critique my palate's lack of complexity and awareness with regard to cheesesteaks. To those people I say, "fuck you."
  • You assclowns need to give Brad Lidge a break. If you look at the statistics that actually matter, such as ERA+, WHIP, K/BB, etc., you'll see that he's consistently been one of the best relievers in baseball over the course of his career. I'll concede that Lidge's performance this year has been the worst of his career to date, but that's the exception and not the rule. Between 2003 and 2008, only once did Lidge post an ERA+ lower than 121. In that same timespan, he posted a 143 ERA+, a 1.17 WHIP and struck out 3.27 batters for every walk he issues. You can't really fault him for giving up the home runs he does because your ballpark is the size of a goddamn sandbox. Also, you got him from Houston for next to nothing. Do you dipshits really want to see Ryan Madson in there? I mean, really?
  • If Ben Franklin were alive today, he would hate each and every one of you motherfuckers.
  • How can anyone get behind this "Win one for Harry Kalas" bullshit? Yeah, he died. I get it. But he was alive to see them win last year. The Steelers won a Super Bowl the year after Myron Cope retired, AND the year after Myron Cope died, but nobody was running around saying how they should win it for Myron. We don't need to win championships for our local non-athlete heroes because 1) we have dozens and dozens of championships, and 2) we shower them with love, which is like the ultimate championship of life. But you wouldn't know anything about love, would you? No, you wouldn't, because you're all violent sociopaths.
  • This one has nothing to do with Philadelphia. Much the same way you hate on Brad Lidge, the rest of the world likes to needlessly hate on Alex Rodriguez, often because of how "un-clutch" he is. People who do this are idiots. I dislike A-Rod as much as the next guy, but the fact remains that he is astonishingly good at baseball. He just happens, like so many in his profession, to be kind of a dick. Well, I have news for you: most baseball players are dicks. They're kids who are often drafted right out of high school or plucked out of Latin America at very young ages and thrown into development systems that more or less cut them off from society. Of course they're going to act like high school boys when they spend all of their time from junior high until their late thirties around groups of 24 similar people, many of whom are stuck in similar states of arrested development. Some day, we'll make a list of all of them, but for now, here are just a few: Ty Cobb, Jim Rice, Ian Snell, Carlos Garcia, Reggie Jackson, Rich Loiselle, Steve Carlton, Jason Kendall, Brian Giles, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Eric Hinske. I'm not saying all baseball players are dicks; not saying that at all. But to hate on A-Rod just because he's kind of a dick is the single most hypocritical thing you can do as a sports fan if you've ever liked any athlete despite that athlete being a dick. Do you hate A-Rod? You do? Okay. Do you like Michael Jordan? You do?! Great! Now, you're just like 98 percent of employed sports columnists! I hope A-Rod totally goes off in this series, hits .700 with 13 home runs and brings peace to the Middle East so that you'll all just shut the fuck up.

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