Tuesday, October 6, 2009

BRETT FAVRE!!! GIVE ME MORE BRETT FAVRE!!!

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #102: Brett Favre is a voting member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #17: Brett Favre loves football so much that he's lobbied five different United States congressmen to introduce legislation legalizing civil unions between a man and the abstract concept of football.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #34: Physicists at CalTech have devised a algorithm to determine which football players have the most fun playing football. It allows for adjustments for comparison across eras, and has a margin of error of +/-.00001. This algorithm dictates that nobody has ever had more fun playing football than Brett Favre, whose Adjusted Love of the Game Quotient (ALotGQ) is more than 3,004 standard deviations from the next closest player on the all-time list.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #312: "...pump it, let it go." - Brad Childress

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #56: Brett Favre's post-football career plans involve opening a series of Brett Favre-only sperm banks throughout the midwest so that millions of football-loving couples may produce their own Brett Favre-spawn.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #257: As soon as Brett Favre stops playing football long enough to feel pain, he will immediately re-discover his love for prescription pain medication.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #22: "Man, I'm losing it." - Brett Favre

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #562: Brett Favre spends his Saturday afternoons having coffee with God.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #77: Brett Favre developed and built a machine that allows him to enter Stuart Scott's dreams as his own personal Holodeck.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #912: Brett Favre dyes his hair grey to make himself look older to enhance the amazement factor.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #88: Brett Favre fucked your mother. And your grandmothers. Both of them.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #4: Having launched ESPN Boston and ESPN Dallas, the Worldwide Leader plans to launch ESPN Brett Favre by Week 12 of the 2009 NFL season.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #17: Brett Favre has been clinically dead and successfully resuscitated seven times in his life.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #6,241: Brett Favre's 'self-deprecating' sense of humor is the most disingenuous crap this side of every time Barry Bonds tells his kids he loves them.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #90: Brett Favre wants you to buy a truck.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #91: Brett Favre wants you to buy some jeans.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #41: When not playing football, Brett Favre keeps himself busy by playing football.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #39: Brett Favre once killed a British man in an argument over the definition of "football".

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #66: Brett Favre has told friends that he will not retire until he has played one full season for each NFL team.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #67: When he does retire, Brett Favre plans to buy a CFL franchise and install himself as GM and starting quarterback.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #110: The more I hear Brett Favre's name, the more I am beginning to like Philip Rivers. Simply by default -- simply because he's not Brett Favre.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #111: Same with Ray Lewis.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #112: And Michael Vick.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #113: But not the Flyers. Never the Flyers.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #712: Peter King's laptop contains 1.67GB of photoshopped Brett Favre porn.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #512: Brett Favre is the best quarterback in the history of professional football. He's also the best shortstop in the American League, a nine-time all-star power forward, an avid bowler and a member of the Freshwater Fishing Hall of Fame.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #497: Brett Favre collects antique shotguns and occasionally uses them to defend his family from illegal immigrants.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #909: ESPN has devoted exactly 100% of tonight's edition of 'SportsCenter' to coverage of Brett Favre.

ESPN Brittfarr Fact #1: If and when I ever decide to take my own life, be certain that the nearly twenty years of masturbatory Brett Favre media coverage I've had to live through will be mentioned in whatever note I leave. If it's not, suspect foul play.

1 comment:

FRANCOfranco said...

You forgot ESPN Brittfarr Fact #444: The Minnesota Vikings have abandoned the Wildcat in favor of even more innovative formations, such as the Wildfavre and Brettcat. Jon Gruden has since stopped shrieking "IT'S WILD!" and now simply says "Brettlicious!"