The War Room

We here at Free Tank Carter have made no secret of our love for Deadspin's love for The Dugout. But here's something we have kept secret: our love for theater. And it's in that spirit that we bring you a one-act play inspired by the HBO original series "Hard Knocks".
In "The War Room", playwright KillYourFace5000 tries to imagine a conversation in the Steelers' war room on Draft Day, 2008.

Kevin Colbert: Coach, Mendenhall was rated fifteen spots higher than Felix Jones by our scouts, and he's still on the board.

Tomlin: I WANT FOOTBALL PLAYERS WHO ARE EXPLICIT ENTITIES FROM A LINE OF SCRIMMAGE STANDPOINT. B.A., RAMBLE SOME INSANITY MY WAY YOU PSYCHOTIC BUNNY.

Bruce Arians: MENDENHOLLLENMAAAAVEN!

: Coach, we desperately need to take Kendall Langford here.



: PAPA FIRE ZONE! WHAT DO YOU SAY?






Dick LeBeau: ::icy cold stare::






: I'M GOING TO LEAVE THIS UP TO THE PERSONNEL IN CHARGE OF PERSONNEL FROM A PERSONNEL OFFENSE STANDPOINT.

: Make the ball GO!!!! RUN THE CLOCK OUT WITH DRAWS!!!!!!!



: You heard the man. We'd like to run more draws and control the game from a three-and-out standpoint.

: Bruce, let me tell you a little something about strategy. At home, I have a PlayStation 3. You know what I play? I play EA Sports NFL Head Coach 09. And you know who my left tackle is? IT'S MAX MOTHER F-ING STARKS AND HE HAS AN 88 RATING NOW BECAUSE I DEVELOPED HIM PROPERLY BECAUSE HE IS A SUPERIOR NATURAL TALENT AT LEFT TACKLE AND ALSO BECAUSE MARVEL SMITH CONTRACTED MRSA AND DIED DURING TEH PLAYOFFS. MAX STARKS!!!! THINK ABOUT IT, ASSHOLE!!!!

::walks out/slams door!::

::beat...silence::


: Is Martavius Prince available?

:Is that a real guy?

::Fast forward several minutes. The coaching staff sits around a table with a speakerphone -- a RINGING speakerphone::

: HELLO JEROME THE BUS BETTIS PLEASE, JEROME ARE YOU READY TO BE A SMASHMOUTH STEELFACE

Tiki Barber: Uh, Coach, this is Tiki.




: ::silence::





: Tiki. Barber. Tiki Barber.

: WELL THE JOKES ON YOU TIKI BETTIS BECAUSE THIS IS BRUCE THE BUS ARIANS....ARE YOU READY TO BECOME A PITTSBURGH STEELTOWN

: Actually, I really dislike contact. I'm really trying to be more a Matt Lauer type than a Jim Brown type, you know? That's why I'm calling you live from the studio here at the WORLDWIDE LEADER. Plus, I'm not in the draft pool this year. I was drafted in 1997.

: ...

: Uh, coach?

: ...FACEPALM

Tiki: Coach, we're on the air.

: ::grabs phone:: ::hangs up::

: rowr? purr.

Meanwhile, at a payphone outside the Steelers' facility, Kevin Colbert soldiers on.

: (on phone): Rashard Mendenhall! Time to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Are you excited?

Rashard Mendenhall: ::fumbles::




: Rashard?




: ::fumbles, falls down::




: You there, buddy? We're going to use our pick to draft you.




: Coach, my interests outside of football include poetry and alligators. I could give up football at any time to pursue a career in poetry. Or alligators.



: Son, we love how well-rounded and intelligent a young man you are. Are you ready to be a Pittsburgh Steelers?




::breaks shoulder::




AND SCENE

By KillYourFace5000
Art direction by Spinmove