Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The War Room

We here at Free Tank Carter have made no secret of our love for Deadspin's love for The Dugout. But here's something we have kept secret: our love for theater. And it's in that spirit that we bring you a one-act play inspired by the HBO original series "Hard Knocks".
In "The War Room", playwright KillYourFace5000 tries to imagine a conversation in the Steelers' war room on Draft Day, 2008.

Kevin Colbert: Coach, Mendenhall was rated fifteen spots higher than Felix Jones by our scouts, and he's still on the board.



Tomlin: I WANT FOOTBALL PLAYERS WHO ARE EXPLICIT ENTITIES FROM A LINE OF SCRIMMAGE STANDPOINT. B.A., RAMBLE SOME INSANITY MY WAY YOU PSYCHOTIC BUNNY.




Bruce Arians: MENDENHOLLLENMAAAAVEN!





: Coach, we desperately need to take Kendall Langford here.



: PAPA FIRE ZONE! WHAT DO YOU SAY?






Dick LeBeau: ::icy cold stare::






: I'M GOING TO LEAVE THIS UP TO THE PERSONNEL IN CHARGE OF PERSONNEL FROM A PERSONNEL OFFENSE STANDPOINT.




: Make the ball GO!!!! RUN THE CLOCK OUT WITH DRAWS!!!!!!!



: You heard the man. We'd like to run more draws and control the game from a three-and-out standpoint.


: Bruce, let me tell you a little something about strategy. At home, I have a PlayStation 3. You know what I play? I play EA Sports NFL Head Coach 09. And you know who my left tackle is? IT'S MAX MOTHER F-ING STARKS AND HE HAS AN 88 RATING NOW BECAUSE I DEVELOPED HIM PROPERLY BECAUSE HE IS A SUPERIOR NATURAL TALENT AT LEFT TACKLE AND ALSO BECAUSE MARVEL SMITH CONTRACTED MRSA AND DIED DURING TEH PLAYOFFS. MAX STARKS!!!! THINK ABOUT IT, ASSHOLE!!!!
::walks out/slams door!::

::beat...silence::


: Is Martavius Prince available?




:Is that a real guy?




::Fast forward several minutes. The coaching staff sits around a table with a speakerphone -- a RINGING speakerphone::


: HELLO JEROME THE BUS BETTIS PLEASE, JEROME ARE YOU READY TO BE A SMASHMOUTH STEELFACE




Tiki Barber: Uh, Coach, this is Tiki.




: ::silence::





: Tiki. Barber. Tiki Barber.




: WELL THE JOKES ON YOU TIKI BETTIS BECAUSE THIS IS BRUCE THE BUS ARIANS....ARE YOU READY TO BECOME A PITTSBURGH STEELTOWN



: Actually, I really dislike contact. I'm really trying to be more a Matt Lauer type than a Jim Brown type, you know? That's why I'm calling you live from the studio here at the WORLDWIDE LEADER. Plus, I'm not in the draft pool this year. I was drafted in 1997.



: ...






: Uh, coach?




: ...FACEPALM






Tiki: Coach, we're on the air.




: ::grabs phone:: ::hangs up::





: rowr? purr.



Meanwhile, at a payphone outside the Steelers' facility, Kevin Colbert soldiers on.



: (on phone): Rashard Mendenhall! Time to be a Pittsburgh Steeler. Are you excited?



Rashard Mendenhall: ::fumbles::




: Rashard?




: ::fumbles, falls down::




: You there, buddy? We're going to use our pick to draft you.




: Coach, my interests outside of football include poetry and alligators. I could give up football at any time to pursue a career in poetry. Or alligators.



: Son, we love how well-rounded and intelligent a young man you are. Are you ready to be a Pittsburgh Steelers?




::breaks shoulder::




AND SCENE

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