Monday, January 7, 2008

The NL Central-GOP Analogy

It has become clear that no one wants to actually win the Republican presidential nomination this year, much like MLB's National League Central Division. In fact, there are pretty direct analogues.

The Cincinnati Reds = Ron Paul

Nothing here makes any sense, and yet that doesn't stop it from appealing to you as a baseball (politics) fan. The team has a history of insanity at the front office (Schottsy), and rarely makes decisions that work at all. They have a great player in Adam Dunn, and then hire a manager who hates great players. You admire the dedication to the idea of starting pitching, but Dusty Baker will quickly overuse and destroy the great young pitchers, and they have no bullpen to help them out, so there's no real possibility of success. Still, the small market, long tradition and just contrarianism of the whole thing makes it hard not to root for them, even if you don't like really anything about the team.

The Pittsburgh Pirates = Mike Huckabee

They're just so folksy and wholesome and broke! They love Latin Americans and senseless adherence to vague principles, and can't even adhere to those very well. Then they hire a young guy from nowhere and suddenly they seem to make some sense. I mean, the division sucks and some smart strategy, blue-collar work ethic and good timing will be enough to take it, right? And it's at this point that you meet a Pirates fan (Arkansas resident), and that person looks at you with the pain and desolation in his soul that comes from many years of this type of thinking, and you remember that you're talking about the fucking Pirates, or a baptist preacher named Huckabee.

The Houston Astros = John McCain

Every time, you think it'll happen. This is the time the old man (Craig Biggio, or Brad Ausmus) will pull it together and use tough defense to win a championship. Sure, they have no money, but the guy's a hero, and they got so close that one time. There must be something left, right? Ah, building a team the old fashioned way, eight years ago, gave them integrity, sure, but it was just so hard. So it's time to pander to the base. Build a useless hill in center field and trade your farm system for a post-steroids slugger five years past his prime. Sure, you'll lose, but it's easy, and winning this stupid thing doesn't mean anything, anyway.

The Milwaukee Brewers = Fred Thompson

On paper, they're so good. So much talent, so few weaknesses, a great team to root for. They're guys like you, but better, with names like Braun and Ben. You know they have hot wives and they just sound so much like "aw shucks" ballplayers. But on the field they're inexperienced, flashy, easily distracted and sick to the core. They're so easily injured they might as well have team cancer. Ben Sheets actually came down with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma last year and was out for 4 months. Then he came back for a game and got tired. Next start, leprosy attack in the 6th and there went the season.

The St. Louis Cardinals = Rudy Giuliani

This team was never that good, even when it was the team (Man) of the Year. They just weren't. They got a little luck and a little timing and ever since, no one can stop fellating La Russa (who's a drunk driving moron) or Edmonds or the gritty short shortstop who's just no damn good at baseball. But now things are starting to catch up. Edmonds and the gritmeister are gone. The pitching still sucks, but people are noticing now. The manager got arrested and that whole driving around scandal has left a bad taste in fans' mouths. Not to mention irascible egos mean that the old, injured once-All-Star third baseman has to get traded for a bag of Sun Chips. You hate this team, and so does every real baseball fan you know. But you can't shake this feeling that they're going to get lucky and manage to pull it out again.

The Chicago Cubs = Mitt Romney

You have no idea who owns the team or which way it's going. In fact, there's very little reason to suspect that they have any idea how to run a team at all. They say one thing, then do another. They look great, then piss it away. They outsource right field to Japan, and then ramble about efficiency, cost-benefit analyses and space-saving solutions. Then, when you're sure there's nothing going on there, they win Wyoming and you remember how bad the division is. Plus, no matter how much you're convinced the team is fake and stupid, you always have to remind yourself: They just have so much fucking money.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Sadly, stupid blogger doesn't allow dual authorship, but this was a joint post between me and Spinmove.