Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sitting on pills and needles

It's been a long time, internet. But you know what? We're not sorry.

Okay, maybe we're a little sorry, but we don't owe you anything. This isn't here for you. This is here for us, goddammit.

Something Amerigo and I have been discussing for a few weeks, which seems especially appropriate right now: naming names. The Mitchell Report on steroids in baseball is due out this week, probably Thursday. Angels owner Artie Moreno got the ball rolling for us in the Los Angeles Times two weeks ago: "The names of players will come out that people will be mad about. Some of my information is secondhand, but I know there's going to be names." There's been rampant speculation around the FTC offices about just who the Mitchell Report will name.

Let's face it, kids: there's no point in bitching and moaning about how steroids have corrupted the game or ruined our innocent childhood dreams (cry me a river, Gary Smith). The underlying truth here is that we're still going to turn to sports for fun and entertainment. It's fun to watch baseball, just like it's fun to follow the continuing decay of the New York Knicks. It's trivial, it's entertainment, and sometimes -- like when your team wins -- it's rewarding. Well, it's not going to be rewarding for a while, so while we're waiting for them to clean up the game, let's make the best of it.

It is in that spirit that FTC is proud to present a long list of baseball players we think did steroids. We've ruled out guys who have already admitted steroid use (Jason Grimsley, David Segui, Jason Giambi, etc.), players who have already been suspended (Jose Guillen, Guillermo Mota), and players whose names have been very, very closely linked to the former two categories through documents and news reports (Gary Matthews, Jr., Rick Ankiel, Sammy Sosa, Gary Sheffield, about 47 other dudes). Also, Barry Bonds. Just cause...come on. Without any further ado, here is a list of names that we at FTC wouldn't be surprised to see in Senator George Mitchell's report, or any subsequent investigation into drug use in baseball (we've divided our picks into several fun subgroups):

The report is due out today, so we're going to keep a steady watch and bold the ones we get right.

Group A: Guys we think totally did steroids
Todd Hundley
Brian Giles
Jeff Blauser
Albert Belle
Miguel Tejada
Tony Phillips (not immediately obvious, but look at the teams the guy played on. They're loaded with obvious juicers, and Tony Phillips put up some pretty un-Tony Phillips-esque numbers for a little while.)
Melvin Mora
Robin Ventura
Randy Velarde
Rico Bronga
Matt Williams
Ryan Klesko
Carlos Baerga
Darren Daulton
Darren Dreifort
Alex Gonzalez (both regular and S.)
Fernando Tatis (injected into sideburns)
Charles Johnson
Denny Neagle
Mike Hampton
Roger Clemens
Andy Pettitte
Erubiel Durazo
Jay Buhner
John Kruk
Pete Incaviglia
Bret Boone
Dmitri Young
Pete Harnisch
Mike Remlinger
John Wetteland
Robb Nen
Johnny Estrada
Dante Bichette
Jeff Bagwell
Paul Quantrill
Chili Davis
Spike Owen
Troy Percival
Derek Bell
Henry Rodriguez
Wil Cordero
Chuck Finley
Juan Gonzalez
Ruben Sierra
Jeromy Burnitz
Derek Bell
Jeff Cirillo
Butch Huskey (Come ON)
Danny Tartabull
Keith Hernandez
John Franco
Mike Piazza
Duaner Sanchez
Jorge Posada
Raul Mondesi
Tony Clark
Javy Lopez
Ozzie Canseco (how have we NOT heard his name yet?)
Mike Stanley
Brady Anderson
Dave Henderson
Howard Johnson
Mo Vaughn
Greg Vaughn
Steve Avery
Scott Erickson
Ivan Rodriguez
Lenny Dykstra
Jose Offerman

Tino Martinez
Benito Santiago
Mariano Rivera
Jeff Nelson
Darin Erstad
John Jaha

Group B: Guys we think probably did steroids/wouldn't be surprised
Ellis Burks
John Burkett
Glenn Davis
Rondell White
Ricky Ledee
Alan Benes
Andy Benes
Darryl Kile
Mike Stanton
Johnny Damon
John Thompson
Luis Polonia
Matt Franco
Tim Belcher
Dave Magadan
Bobby Bonilla
Bret Saberhagen
Chuck Knoblauch
Rusty Greer
Glenallen Hill
Hank Blalock
Ray Lankford
Von Hayes
Scott Kamieniecki
Vinny Castilla
Scott Speizio
Jason LaRue
Brett Myers
Geoff Jenkins
Jim Edmonds
Ed Sprague, Jr.
Mark Grace
Armando Benitez
Mark Kotsay
Lee Stevens
Brad Fullmer
Cliff Floyd
Rob Dibble (would be a definite yes if not for his friendship with Dan Patrick)
Tim Salmon
Gregg Jefferies
Chris Stynes
Mel Rojas
Todd Zeile
Bernard Gilkey
Phil Nevin
Darryl Hamilton
Kenny Rogers
Jay Payton
Pat Mahomes
Harold Baines
Jeffery Hammonds
Jon Lieber
Tim Raines
Brian Anderson
Dave Hollins
Mariano Duncan
Larry Andersen
Ron Darling
Henry Blanco
Ron Gant
Mike Jackson
Juan Samuel
Andy Ashby
Mark Whitten
Jeff Shaw
Paul Sorrento
Steve Karsay
Chad Curtis
Preston Wilson
Luis Sojo (once almost hit me with his car)
Aubrey Huff
Todd Pratt
Jeff Conine
Aaron Boone
Gary Gaetti
Lance Parrish
Marty Cordova
Damion Easley
Tony Batista
Paul Konerko
Randy Wolf
Enrique Wilson
Andruw Jones
Jermaine Dye
David Justice
Cristian Guzman
Jaret Wright
Jacque Jones
Marquis Grissom
Felix Rodriguez

Group C: Guys Spinmove is certain did steroids, though Amerigo disagrees
Roberto Alomar
Benny Agbayani (slipped by clubhouse attendant into pre-game ham feast)
Frank Thomas
Kyle Farnsworth
Mike Lowell
Mike Williams
Bernie Williams
Carney Lansford

Group D: Potential juicers named Kevin
Kevin Millar
Kevin Mitchell
Kevin Stocker
Kevin Sefcik
Kevin Seitzer
Kevin Elster
Kevin Reimer
Kevin Millwood
Kevin Brown
Kevin Tapani
Kevin Mensch
Kevin McReynolds

Group E: Players whom we at FTC are totally positive would have failed a drug test in 1996:
Brady Anderson

Group F: Players whom we at FTC don't think used steroids, and we wouldn't even want to know about if they did
Ken Griffey, Jr.
Jay Bell
Alex Rodriguez
Vladimir Guerrero
Andy Van Slyke
Craig Biggio

Group G(ritty): Players whom we at FTC swear up and down did NOT use steroids, but who we hope did so that when Tim McCarver finds out, he'll take his own life:
David Eckstein