Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Free Communications Advice for Michael Vick

Dear Mr. Vick,

Our consultants have noticed that you're in a bit of a bind with regard to your pending trial. Since communications is our business, we here at Free Tank Carter would like to offer you our services. Please find following our plan for your image rehabilitation.

1. Make a deal. The Feds want one of two things, either to deal a major blow to dogfighting, or to get the great Michael Vick. Either way, you can help them. Resign yourself to admitting something, probably betting on dogfighting, to serve a 6-month suspended sentence and pay a giant fucking fine that you can afford with pocket change.

2. Help the Feds. Tell them that, in exchange for offering your guilty plea to a lesser offense, you will divulge everything you know about dogfighting operations in the rest of the country. Offer to tell every name, every place, every damn dog that you know about.

3. Announce. Tell the people that you have reached an agreement with the Feds, and that you will be the spokesman and honorary chair for their new anti-dogfighting task force. Apologize for what you've done, and to the people and fans you've disappointed. Say that, growing up in the poor South, you honestly did not think that this was anything egregious. Say that you will take the next year off from football, and that you are releasing the Falcons from their financial obligations to you. Say that you look forward to spearheading the effort to educate people about this grotesque hobby, and to talking with the NFL over the next year.

4. Wait six months. Do all the stuff you said you'd do.

5. Do the long-awaited interview. Talk about your work with the new tast force. Tell everyone what it's like growing up in the poor South, where there are dogfights in every county. Explain how this is like hunting in Pennsylvania or cockfighting in Mexico; it's just something that's not thought of as taboo. Explain how difficult it was to come to the realization that this is wrong, and how much you thank your friends for ratting on you. Tell them you want to come back to football, and that you have scheduled a meeting with Roger Goodell.

6. Meet with Dictator Goodell. Be sincere, be frank. Tell him what you told everyone on TV. Tell him you're open to some type of probation, or something to prove to him that you belong in the league. Bring representatives from the Feds and from PETA to tell him about how valuable you've been in the fight against cruelty to animals.

7. Return to football. Make the Randall Cunningham conversion to savvy veteran, who still wins games with his feet but doesn't need an offense designed around him. Resume making millions. Get active in the community branch of the Humane Society and take in abused dogs or greyhounds that were going to be shot or something.

8. 12 months after step one, you are once again the beloved starting QB of an NFL team.

We hope you take this plan under advisement.


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